Where to go after death

Last evening had a quick glance on Larry King interviewing Patrick Swayze's wife Lisa Niemi. He asked if Patrick was a believer, knowing where he would be going after death. Patrick wanted to believe in God and Heaven but also had doubts in his life, “no, he did not, but he knows now”, Niemi answered.

I wish I could overcome my “doubts” and be intellectually deceptive to follow one religion.
But, am I really bothered by not knowing where to go in afterlife?

Mother

Mother is in such a manic state. She shops everyday, buying everything she can find; accuses my father of infidelity, and solicits her traditional Chinese medicine doctor to everyone she knows. Belligerent, she was filing complaints against a bus driver who asked her not to move around on the bus. Confused and disoriented, she lost herself twice on the streets in recent weeks. My sister and I have been talking to get her to hospital and force for treatment. Father rejected our idea though, rather suffering himself than seeing my mother being institutionalized (in his words). He is such a wonderful man to my mother, but never being appreciated. It takes more than morality to endure, must be love, or something I can not comprehend.

End of the Affair

Last night watched a movie on Netflix, called "end of the affair", it is not an "affair", it is real passion and love, between a man and a woman. It worth all the risks, either die in real, or suffocate in living.

the Birthday is here

Turning 43 in 2 days, should I feel sad? Not really.
The worst was turning 40. I was panic and upset a couple of months prior to the big number. Something good came out of it though- exercise has since become my routine. Never thought I could do it.

A weekend back to its normalcy

Finally caught up with my work! First weekend after back from China with no immediate urgency, and one hour extra from daylight saving, quick relaxed.
The Friday night was a night of ideal, it felt so right!
Saturday started with a morning run, followed by some chores, a nice brunch at Chinese restaurant with Cynthia. Xiaoyu gave her a hair cut. We had tapioca strawberry at the ice house with Shiqun. A little work with Ying, no-brainer, chatting while doing all the counting.
We were back to the Lakewood. Joel’s preach consoled me as always, and the energy there was enormous. Although not a Christian, I love the feeling for being there.

Reunion and other thoughts

It is so hectic since back. Every day is piled up with cases, projects and manuscripts, including weekends. It is a little too much to deal with, even for a tough person like me. Two manuscripts with Bo are accepted in the past week, adding fuel to my exhausted engine.

I have not had chance to write about the reunion-the real fun part of the trip, yet.

I was called by Wu, Zhongshi two days prior to the reunion and asked to speak in representing the female alumni in US. I was all excited, scrambled for something to impress my folks. I had hard time to write in Chinese while in US, but the words just came to me after being back for a little more than a week. On the train to Changsha, I composed a Chinese version of the English assay I wrote early. It expressed my feeling quite well, and made myself proud.

Nice to see all those old faces, could not match the names, a little embarrassed to ask at the beginning, but went easy later on. Very impressed by a guy who could still remember how I looked in the beginning of the college-shy with red cheeks, blushed when talking to guys. What a vivid picture of me in my 18! Most of the guys and gals were more or less the same in that age. Now in our 40’s, we are out of our shells, no longer timid, or uptight, but free and capable to enjoy ourselves. Joking, teasing, and laughing, we took things light and joyful. Drinking, singing and dancing-I later showed the photos to Cynthia, she commented “bunches of 40’s years old are having teenager parties” it says all.

Meeting Qingeng at the reunion did not bring me any special feeling. Oddly enough, we were like two people who got stuck at one place but could not find interesting topic to chat. Time has erased all the feeling and memories, and changed us so much. He became someone so uptight and, well, boring; yet I am more free-spirited. When I chatted with Guiying about how much he has changed; Guiying teased me that he must be surprised to see how a “good girl” turned wild. Well, what can I say? It was flattering to hear from several guys that they had crush on me in college. Why I did not pick a right one from them?! It is very hard for me to like guys as an opposite sex, even in these days. Besides, they were so boyish in those years.

I had a chat with a wise man in his 50’s, and was told that 40’s is the best phase in a woman’s life. He is absolutely right! In my teens, I basically disliked everything about myself-ugly; my hands and feet were too giant; my butt was too big; I was awkward, and my parents were embarrassing… In my 20’s, though acquired more confidence in myself, I had not learned to be true to myself, but been trying to do the “right” things. Got married, then pregnant, and came to US, everything following the “right” path. In my 30’s, I was pursuing my training and career, while raising Cynthia, joggling through a stressful life full of responsibilities. I was challenged, and gone beyond my dreams, but missed so much in life. My marriage died in those years, at least in part due to my negligence. Now in my 40’s, I feel better than ever- my girl is growing up, more of a friend than a child to me; career is going well; in shape, still decent looking but charmed with sexuality and maturity. Best of all, i am not trying to pretend someone I am not, can be true to myself. In Chinese saying "To establish in 30's; no confusion in 40's, and knowing God' meaning in 50's", great wisdom!
http://picasaweb.google.com/sawang2007/20thReunion#

A Whole New World (Aladdin and Jasmine)

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you

Now I'm in a whole new world with you
Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better

I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be
A whole new world

Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you
A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

Trip to China

After bragging to people that I do not usually have jet lag, I woke up 5:30am in this morning, had not been myself ‘till a 2 hour nap in the afternoon.

The trip to China was of a mixed experience.

Hong Kong

I was so eager to see Hong Kong, a place with many stories, either in a format of movies, news, or books, has attracted me in many years. The first day Cynthia and I set up to explore the city, going by subway, taxi, buses, tram, and walking. The city is full of people. Although the crowdedness comes no surprise to me, a person growing up in China, its magnitude was still amazing. The city runs quite dynamically, in an impressively efficient, well orchestrated way. Off modern buildings and boulevards are small streets where most of the working classes live. Those small stores, restaurants and small sale stands reminded me of Chinatowns in US. Hong Kong is a city very commercialized and westernized, and hard to see real people stories behind the prosperity. The second day was spent for shopping. Shopping is a major attraction for visitors for its abundance in goods with good prices because of no import tax. I was not so impressed, many of those are US brands, but of course with less variety and more costly. My sister and her husband were crazy though, shopped from morning to 9pm, spent a good fortune on watches, perfume, purses, camera, jewels…

I treated everyone at PizzaHut for lunch, a real restaurant with full service in Hong Kong (also in Shanghai), the Pizza came with very different flavors, but better. We were also surprised to see McDonald selling noodles there. Yiling, my sister’s 7 year old daughter is a natural born comedian (she must get that from my brother in law who has quite good sense of humors). Her funniness comes in an innocent and cute way, so spontaneous, and cracking me up constantly. Cynthia is so fond of her.


Shenzhen

We took the train on 7/29 morning, crossed the river and arrived in Shenzhen 30 minutes later. My college friend picked us up and drove us around the town. Instead of going to Macau with my sister’s family, I chose to show Cynthia Shenzhen, a city built from scratch 30 year ago as “the first experiment” in China economic reform. Shenzhen is more spacious and better architected than Hong Kong, modernized yet picturesque. Seeing Deng, Xiaoping's portrait on the street, I became quite emotional by thinking of the changes that have occurred in China in these 30 years. China could have become another North Korea without him, a person with great mind, vision and boldness. I told the story to Cynthia, but was not so sure how much she appreciated it. We also spent several hours touring “the window of the world”, a park with miniatures of all famous places around the world. It is built with delicacy and nicely landscaped, much better than it was in 1993 when I visited the first time. Cynthia recognized most of the places that she learned in her world history class.

The second day we shopped at a mall with small stores operated by individual owners. A shopping setting I am not sure there is an equivalent in US-with some similarity to flea market, but not quite. Cynthia bought some knockoff stuff, we tried to bargain, but inexperienced, we did not get good deals in the end, i think.

Home

We arrived home on 7/30, after 4 days on the road. Mother is so old and frail, and it hurts me by seeing her sitting there, with all white hair, frigid frame, thin but puffy face, and trembling hands. “Mama…” I hugged her, but shortly let go after finding her uneasiness. After talking to mother for half hour, her early dementia became apparent to me. It is likely a mixed result of medications and vascular dementia. Her controlling personality is still there though, less fierce, and mixed with bad memory. It is easier to handle, but sad to watch. Father had angioplasty last year, and it was a relief to see him still in good shape and spirit.

Home is almost the same as last year, still neat, but less lively. The fish tank is pretty, well decorated, but empty. The curtain color starts to fade, and flower pots, used to circle around the whole balcony, have only three left. A lady comes every other week for deep cleaning, but many of the routines become quite a task as aging deepens.

Mother was excited, yet agitated by having all of us in her place. She paced back forth, could not sit still. I agreed to take one precious day at a Spa club, where we spent 1 day and 1 night to relax, and also to leave her alone. I also finished editing Rob’s manuscript there, what a vacation treat!

In the mornings, Cynthia and I walked with father to a park nearby, it is a beautiful park with many retired people dancing, practicing Taiji, and fishing there. We ran on the pavement, and father walked, then we met 30 min later. It was the quality time with father, we chatted, not necessary anything important. Father is a saint to my eyes, he does not complain, truly cares about mother, understands her illness, and tolerates her difficult personality, in so many years.
(to be continued)

20th year reunion

I had a nice chat with a long lost friend last night. He has been my admirer for many years. I own his admiration not as a woman-woman, but a career woman. It still makes me feel good though.

It is so hard to carry a good conversation in Chinese these days. The English pops up constantly, when I realize it, try to convert them in Chinese, can not find proper words!!! Seems living in the twilight zone, belong to neither. Lost my sophistication in Chinese, and still superficial in English, I can not express myself in a way I want, what a loser!

After receiving the flyer from Wenqi about the reunion, I lost a couple of nights of sleep. Here are some of my thoughts:

Twenty years ago, young and vulnerable, we cried at the train station, saying good bye to each other and farewell to the college life. Leaving our young love and memories behind, we took on our separate journeys, with each other's blessing. With open hearts and arms, we embraced the uncertain future with anticipation and ambitions...

Life has taken on its course after we left each other:
Most of us follow the flows-falling in love, gotten married, raising children, while pursuing a career…
We have been challenged, we have overcome obstacles…
Many of us have led a successful life and lived a life beyond our dreams;
A lot of us seem “ordinary” but have done “extraordinary” things to our patients, communities, families and friends.
We had tears, we made mistakes, and we were heartbroken at some points…
A few of us lost their lives to dreadful diseases…

20 years later, we looked back at our life, as reading through a book- the college chapter is so memorable and unforgettable. A life period with hard work and competition; youth and innocence; uncertainty and insecurity; mistakes and embarrassment; frustration and accomplishment; friendship and budding loves, we cherish it.

The friends we make in college stay with us for the rest of our lives and the time we shared is forever part of ourselves and can not be denied. We are together today, to memorize the old golden time; to share our stories after being apart; to celebrate our friendship; and to tell each other how much we care!

Cheers, Class of 1989.

Some photos retrieved from my Yale zip disc

Lake Conroe

Cynthia is in MA visiting her friend-I hope the meet is as exciting as she anticipated.

I went with Dandan to Christine father's lake house-A house sitting on the gorgeous tranquil Conroe lake. We sailed on the lake; it was simply beautiful, and relaxing. Immersed myself in the sun and wind, I fully enjoyed it.

I talked to the old man-James; he certainly has had a colorful life-raising family while pursuing education all the way to PhD; a soldier turned scientist and full professor; being with countless beautiful women, and married three times…

He was joking: the first wife is the wife to raise family with; the second wife is the young/exciting/wild trophy wife-would not last long though; and the third one is the "status" wife-with a social status; if it does not work out the third time, the fourth one would be an "Olympia" wife, real gold.

July 4th-The Herman Park night

The music floating in the air admixed with night breeze, people relaxing on the hills, youngsters having fun in groups; children running around with fluorescence lights-the fireworks came in the end, exploding in the sky with the “America is beautiful” song playing- it was a heart-touching night. Tear welled my eyes-what a great country, and will always be. It was a night very special for us- the first July 4th after we have become American citizens last year.

Days passed by

4/28/09

Despite a very busy schedule, I have determined not to over-stretched myself. No work after hours on week days. Weekends, may be half day. Jack encourages me to run 5K with him, I am preparing for it seriously, it takes me 31 min to run, I need to improve my speed, make sure not the last in the flock.


5/26/09

I had a wonderful Memorial long weekend. My friend Dandan got married. I took her for a foot massage, as a bachelorette treat before the wedding. The wedding was nice, small, but intimate. My friend Dandan is genuinely happy, she cried while walking down theaisle.

Jack and I went to a show, featuring of 60's musics, it was fantastic.We danced under the stars, "tonight our spirits will be climbing, to the sky lit up with diamonds..."

With Cynthia, my technician Ying, and another girl, we did shopping yesterday. We had food in the mall by the ice rink, then we askedfor a make over for Ying. She never puts make-up, a dramatic effect onher. She was elated.

5/31/09

Last night, we had the graduation party for fellows, a total of 37 fellows in pathology, what a number! The speeches were very short, left us tons of time to dance. The party was within MD Anderson, in a ballroom, and the dance floor was on top of the roof! Music playingin the breeze, we danced with fellows and faculties under the moon andstars, I can do the Western twist/sexy moves fairly well. we had a blast!

I took Cynthia, she is very reserved, like in my teenager days. I justwant her to see what is out there, try to take her to as manyoccasions as possible.

Yes, I am so grateful for the acceptance of women like me in our 40'sin this country. I don't feel old, but in another phase of life. Indeed, we are not old, neither physically nor psychologically.

6/17/09

I broke up with Jack.

I finally fed up by his messy schedule. He is a person who tries to make everyone happy, no lines, can not say "no", but can not keep up his words.

This short relationship brought me a lot happiness, a lot joy, butalso a lot frustration and hurting.

I am out, can not do it anylonger.

One can be hurt in a relationship, either by a jerk, a mean person; a person who is not into you; now, this super nice one lack of lines.

In the raining days

It was raining so hard in the past two days, and the dinner planned today with our fellows is canceled because of flooding. The idea of treating all the fellows at Peking Cuisine was initiated by a promise to Kausar for Chinese food, expanded to Bo, then Inga, in the end, to all. We may do it next weekend after the MDS symposium.

In the raining days, it would be so nice to watch a movie at home, be held with his warmth, and listen to the sound of the rain fall. I am surprised by myself, with such desire, like being on fire. The situation is frustrating, and makes me want to quit. Let’s the passion simmer, before it burns, may be wise.

Chinese Zodiac

"The Horse female is very much in love with the idea of being in love -in fact, you may be more in love with the idea of being in love than you are with the actual partner you may have chosen for this particular go-round. You are the sort who will fall in love at first sight, grow quickly bored with the arrangement, and spend an inordinately long time figuring a way out of your predicament."

Life is good

Have not written for long time
Life is taking on its pace.
The trip to Boston and New Haven was wonderful, it made me realize that I do have a full and privileged life. Friends, job, and accomplishment, God has favored me in many ways. This is the first trip I left Cynthia behind, and she was doing well, no incidence. Dandan sent Danni to stay with her at night, Cynthia ended up walking Danni to bus stop every morning. It was just so cute.

I have met Jack, a handsome man with a kind heart and an infectious laughter. I like him, and be liked more in return. It has been wonderful, but not so sure where it leads to. For me, I am afraid to fall in anything too serious, and make sure I can be out without being hurt. “One at a time”, let’s see.

In romance, it is hard to know how much really due to our falling for others, and how much we just love being in the character. Nevertheless, it is such a surprise to learn that my ability to love has not waned away over years.

A deep thinker, as Jack jokes often about me.

A girl night out

Cynthia is having a sleepover with her friend Megan, and going to see Jonas brothers' new movie. Both of them are big fans of the Jonas bothers, and she told me that was how she and Megan have become friends. Sharing common interests is one of the elements for friendship, but I never thought about being fans to some stars could create friendship. Well, it apparently does.

I decided to have some fun for myself, and accepted Kausar invitation for dinner. Kausar is one of our fellows who has an infectious laughter. She comes from a very rich family of Pakistan, went through divorce (how courageous for a Pakistan woman!), and came to US alone. Because of her personal and career experience, she has great insights to life, literature and art.

We had dinner at an India restaurant, the food is so delicious. I love Indian food in general, my favorite among any kind, but this one is the best I ever had. After the dinner, we hit the movie theater for “the reader”.

This is a movie explicating the complexity of human nature and an enmeshment not easily untangled. The love and passion of Michael to Hanna was soul-rattling, but complicated by Holocaust morality. He simply could not comprehend it. This short summer affair deeply affected his life thereafter. The heaviness of human heart and his struggling for a better understanding were explicated effortlessly in the movie.
Kate Winslet’s acting is so amazing.

It was a fun night.

Valentine’s day

Today is Valentine’s day, and amazingly, it does not really upset me to be alone. I took Cynthia to the Lakewood at night. On the way there, she was trying to recall what was like on the last Valentine’s, and the memory was so vague- seemed we went to Boston Chinatown, but nothing afterwards could come up.

After we got back, I called home. Mother is not doing well. The medication can not completely control her sleep, but really knocks her down. She used to be such a driven and energetic woman, now becomes so lousy, aloof and weak. Mother is a woman with a very complicated character, loving, but demanding and controlling, to the point of self-absorptive and abusive . In my younger days, I had mixed feeling to her- hated her in many ways but loved her so deeply and attached emotionally. She was diagnosed with depression in 2005, which answered many of my questions and confusion about her personality. She was treated with antidepressant for two years. When I started to cheer for her taking on a healthy life, she was attacked by a manic episode. Life has turned upside down for her, as well as for my father and people around her.

I am a great resemblance to my mother, but more rational and collected. Knowing that depression can hit me in the life chaos, I have tried my best keeping it up. Weakness and self-pity come to attack once a while, it takes great courage and bravery to face what lies ahead.

Another weekend passed by

2/8/09
A weekend passed by so fast, it is Sunday night already.

Saturday morning I dropped my car at Firestone, initially for engine oil change, but ended up changing all four tires. I was sitting at Border in Galleria for 5 hours, with a cup of coffee and a piece of banana cake, fixing Bo’s paper-it gave me such a bad headache. Although a total wreckage by the time I was leaving, I stumbled to Macy’s for some beauty products before the final exit.

At the same night, we went to Kathy’s party-a full house with Kathy’s friends. It saddened me to see her finally packing up and leaving. Kathy is one of those friends who are so loyal and trustworthy. Hoping when the economy recovers, she will be back here again. The night was enlightened by meeting a Buddhism couple who explained to me how they view the world, people, life and death.
Here it is:
1. Life is suffering;
2. Suffering is due to attachment;
3. Attachment can be overcome;
4. There is a path for accomplishing this.

These are Buddha’s final words

• Impermanent are all created things;
• Strive on with awareness.

The conversation reminded me when I was a child, I had this strange thought about the world and people surrounded - their existence was because of my existence, and I was the one with THE MIND. The man (sorry that I did not get his name) told me that I had the heart and soul (Hui Geng) for Buddhism, but it was all gone now after learning to be a human. How interesting!

This afternoon, after dropping Cynthia with her clarinet teacher, I took a run in the campus of Rice University. Sunday afternoon at Rice has always been my best time in the week. Either strolling through the grass paths, sitting in the coffee house with a good book, or simply waiting in the music hall with the music floating in the air and the sun shinning out, it is so peaceful and beautiful. One time, Cynthia had a night lesson. The campus was magically changed by the lights. I was immersed in the night, stunned by the beauty, speechless. I told Kathy afterwards, she said to me "remember, you need someone to share, all these beauty and wonders".

An amazing night, I met Joel Osteen!

1-31-09

I was determined to make to the Lakewood church today, and I did it! Arrived 1 hour early, I was the first one seated in the “first time visitor seats”-the middle of the second row! Everything is beyond my imagination-the stadium, the music, the people, and the emotions. I am a non-believer, but melt in the air. Joel told several real live stories, proving God outreach power. Tear welled up my eyes. Two interesting people were sitting besides me- one guy from Puerto Rico, was just done with CSA, who might think that meeting me-a successful veteran being through the same ordeal, was by God's means; another was a construction guy, who was really amazed by my presence as a non-believer.

The Lakewood church, I might pay another visit.

A sleepless night with many flying thoughts

1-29-09

The first couple of days in the new year are pounded with cases. Yesterday cooled down a little, and let me to get some other things done.

I am glad that the book chapter is finally wrapped up, and Dan is pleased (he is not so easy to please) with the writing. A few polishing needs to be done though, but it will not take a lot out of me.

I am lost in a status of hopeless again. Screwed up, did I?

I could not sleep yesterday night, thinking about the house, the storage and tax return, I felt so stressed and helpless. It is frightening by thinking of no one whom I can really count on. Yesterday night, I was in a confusing state, half sleep and half awake. Grabbing a book from the night stand-I was too tired to read; turning off the light-lying there with many thoughts flying through. The melatonin does not work for me any more. Finally, I woke up completely in the middle of the night and attempted to read Joel Osteen’s “your best life now”. Starting with “finding strength through adversity”, followed by “let go of the past”, it calmed me down. I am not a Christian, may never will be one, but his words get into my heart. I have to be strong, optimistic, and forgiving, otherwise, it hurts myself, my daughter and my life ahead. I also read the current issue Newsweek “how to survive in disaster and unfortunate events”, it is quite intriguing. It talks about that 90% events can be controlled by oneself-a totally different view about life from Christians, but the fundamental theories are so similar. You want to be a “lucky person” in your life? You got to have a positive attitude, awareness, not so uptight, trust your gut instinct. A night went by with a lot thoughts, before dawn, I dozed off.

I was up at 7:00am, so tired, but I had to drive Cynthia to school. She is now on the way to San Antonia for all private school concert. I will not go this Saturday, simply because I do not trust myself in driving 3 hours.

It is the time to let go

1/23/09
There is going to have a big party at the medical center here on Sunday, the scholars, students, and people from China Consulate all will be here. I am excited, and looking forward to the New Year.

Being through different phases- sadness, furious, felt unjustified, then self-isolated, holding my head up, but was so fragile and vulnerable inside, I am now to the phase for forgiveness-to forgive him and ask for his. It is time to let go of my anger and bitterness. The years drifted us apart, but we did not learn to adjust. Loss of trust, and piling up resentment, the love was long gone. There was a lot fights and humiliation in the end, all of us suffered, including our daughter. His last conduct was the consequence not the cause of this failed marriage.

Lu, my dear friend, told me last year that my heart would bloom again in the spring-I did not believe it. Time really can heal!!! It is not spring yet, but Houston does not have winter really. It is the New Year, the new era, and the possibilities. My heart is filled with hope and joy.

Wish the New Year (the year of ox) bring propriety and happiness to all of us.

Some photos to share with family and friends

Into 2009, still tears, but looking forward

1-17-09

It is a typical Saturday: I woke up half past 7, did a bit with my book chapter, then woke Cynthia up at 9:30am. These days, it is getting so difficult to rush her out of the door, showering, putting make-up, picking right cloth, ear rings and et al. In the end, I was really out of patience. We spent several hours in my office-she loves our cafeteria food as always, nice. She is learning about bacteria in her biology class, and was very happy to get help for her project. I have been trying to talk her into medicine, it starts to take effect-she is not totally against it now.

We went to Chinatown her favorite restaurant, ordered her favorite food afterwards. After grocery shopping, we shopped at DSW. Since she has to wear uniforms in this school, shopping for shoes becomes her passion. I have been trying to do my best to provide her what she needs, if it brings comfort. I am really proud of her-in this family chaos, she holds up well, and is placed on the highest honor roll after midterm.

1-13-09 The past two days had been incredibly busy. Monday morning, one of my long lost friends called in, inquiring about my story. The conversation upset me, and I stopped the phone call and dried my tear 5 minutes before the applicant came in. Worried about me, he called back in the later afternoon. In recent 6 months, I have been deliberately not to contact old friends, nor make new friends in the Chinese circle. Every time after talking, I am so drained, as if recovering from a dreadful illness. He criticized me being too strong, and it intimidates men around me. He is probably right, but that only applies to work though. In life, naïve and inexperienced, I am struggling in surviving.