Valentine’s day

Today is Valentine’s day, and amazingly, it does not really upset me to be alone. I took Cynthia to the Lakewood at night. On the way there, she was trying to recall what was like on the last Valentine’s, and the memory was so vague- seemed we went to Boston Chinatown, but nothing afterwards could come up.

After we got back, I called home. Mother is not doing well. The medication can not completely control her sleep, but really knocks her down. She used to be such a driven and energetic woman, now becomes so lousy, aloof and weak. Mother is a woman with a very complicated character, loving, but demanding and controlling, to the point of self-absorptive and abusive . In my younger days, I had mixed feeling to her- hated her in many ways but loved her so deeply and attached emotionally. She was diagnosed with depression in 2005, which answered many of my questions and confusion about her personality. She was treated with antidepressant for two years. When I started to cheer for her taking on a healthy life, she was attacked by a manic episode. Life has turned upside down for her, as well as for my father and people around her.

I am a great resemblance to my mother, but more rational and collected. Knowing that depression can hit me in the life chaos, I have tried my best keeping it up. Weakness and self-pity come to attack once a while, it takes great courage and bravery to face what lies ahead.