Yuchen, my friend since college, has encouraged me to write one night after our long talk. I thought about it a while back, but it was hard for me to let my life go public. Now revisiting the topic, it appears not to be a bad idea. Writing may allow me to look at my life from a different perspective, in a rational and critical way.
Today is Christmas Eve. Cynthia is on the plane to New Jersey, and I am left alone. Lan paid a short visit, and left with her new husband. It is her third marriage. She is unbelievably happy this time, claiming that she has finally found her true love. I truly hope it will last long this time. I told Lu that I would do a book chapter in this holiday, she emailed me back questioning about my motives. To write book chapters in this holiday is not by choice but for being left with nothing better to do.
Last Friday, I went to church with my friend, attending so call “the talent show” by church kids. I was so out of the place, for not knowing what and how to act. Cynthia criticized me being arrogant, yet awkward. I have limited my life in a small circle to avoid uncertainty and to stay in my comfort zone. Yes, I am in mending, but it is more than that. It is a frightening world out there, and I simply do not have faith and trust in another man. Almost 5 months went by, and my anger can be suppressed but it is not going anywhere. Thinking back the marriage life, still feel unjustified. Rationally, I know the right way to deal with it; in reality, it is just so hard to follow the right path. I have been trying to find solace in books and movies, and it does lift certain weight out of my life.
At this night, I drove in the neighborhood of west university place, watching the lights and listening to the Christmas music, with no sadness but peace in my heart. As a matter of fact, I did enjoy it in my solitude. So many years went by, hardly having time for myself. In holidays, always with big crowds, I have learned to do small talks, greet people with no common ground, play cards and entertain little kids. Never really like it, but gradually got used to it, and kept doing it in every holiday. Now with Cynthia grown-up, and my marriage falling apart, I feel that part of my past, my individuality, is back to life again.
Monday, December 22, 2008
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