A day in my office

12/25/08
Went to sleep at 2am and woke up at 9am, I remembered that I had to do this book chapter. Always very reluctant to go to office on weekends and holidays, but felt inefficient to work at home, I tried the apartment study room first. It was locked for maintenance reason (now I did remember that a note was passed to us earlier). I ended up driving to my office, and locking myself inside. The first two hours were quite productive, but the writing was disrupted after receiving the case list from my fellow. The remaining day was exhausted in collecting all the original data-it is so tedious, and might really give me Carpal tunnel syndrome as Dan joked. Rachel was on call, talking aloud to someone, I did not open the door to say hi.

I still can not talk to people about my marriage situation- to sound better, it is a private matter; for real, I am a coward. I remember one of my attendings in my residency said once that she would consider divorce as a stigma. It was a joke in her character though, but for me, if it is not a stigma, at least is a failure. After 8 year tempestuous try, nothing worked out, but it deepened the wound. His last conduct just slammed door shut, leaving no room for pry. Although it has so much uncertainty ahead, I hope this is a better bet than a life with certainty yet possible lifelong misery.

the first writing

Yuchen, my friend since college, has encouraged me to write one night after our long talk. I thought about it a while back, but it was hard for me to let my life go public. Now revisiting the topic, it appears not to be a bad idea. Writing may allow me to look at my life from a different perspective, in a rational and critical way.

Today is Christmas Eve. Cynthia is on the plane to New Jersey, and I am left alone. Lan paid a short visit, and left with her new husband. It is her third marriage. She is unbelievably happy this time, claiming that she has finally found her true love. I truly hope it will last long this time. I told Lu that I would do a book chapter in this holiday, she emailed me back questioning about my motives. To write book chapters in this holiday is not by choice but for being left with nothing better to do.

Last Friday, I went to church with my friend, attending so call “the talent show” by church kids. I was so out of the place, for not knowing what and how to act. Cynthia criticized me being arrogant, yet awkward. I have limited my life in a small circle to avoid uncertainty and to stay in my comfort zone. Yes, I am in mending, but it is more than that. It is a frightening world out there, and I simply do not have faith and trust in another man. Almost 5 months went by, and my anger can be suppressed but it is not going anywhere. Thinking back the marriage life, still feel unjustified. Rationally, I know the right way to deal with it; in reality, it is just so hard to follow the right path. I have been trying to find solace in books and movies, and it does lift certain weight out of my life.

At this night, I drove in the neighborhood of west university place, watching the lights and listening to the Christmas music, with no sadness but peace in my heart. As a matter of fact, I did enjoy it in my solitude. So many years went by, hardly having time for myself. In holidays, always with big crowds, I have learned to do small talks, greet people with no common ground, play cards and entertain little kids. Never really like it, but gradually got used to it, and kept doing it in every holiday. Now with Cynthia grown-up, and my marriage falling apart, I feel that part of my past, my individuality, is back to life again.