Andrea Bocelli - Swear

Promise me,
that although much time may pass
you'll never forget the moment
when I first met you.

Look at me,
there's nothing more profound
nor bigger in this world
than the love I have to you.

Kiss me,
with a kiss so full of love
like no one has ever kissed me
since the day that I was born

Love me,
love me until you feel the madness
and understand the bitter pain
that I am suffering for loving you.

They all say it's a lie that I love you
'cause they've never seen me so in love
I swear to you that I don't know why
the look in your eyes has kept me captivated

When you are near me
and I am happy
I wish that you'd remember no one else
I am jealous even of my thoughts
that may remind you
of another person you once loved.

when she loved me-toy story 2

another song from John

When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
And when she was sad,
I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy,
So was I
When she loved me

Through the summer and the fall
We had each other, that was all
Just she and I together,
Like it was meant to be

And when she was lonely,
I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me

So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say I will always love you

Lonely and forgotten,
I'd never thought she'd look my way
And she smiled at me and held me just like she used to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me

When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart

When she loved me

today's song

John has been senting me one song a day

12/13/2010
James Taylor: Your Smiling Face Lyrics

Whenever I see your smiling face
I have to smile myself
Because I love you (Yes, I do)
And when you give me that pretty little pout
It turns me inside out
There's something about you, baby (I don't know)

(Chorus)
Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much longer
It will grow stronger every day
Oh, how much longer

I thought I was in love
A couple of times before
With the girl next door
But that was long before I met you
Now I'm sure that I won't forget you
And I thank my lucky stars
That you are who you are
And not just another lovely lady
Sent down to break my heart

Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much longer
It can grow stronger every day
How much longer

No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
Whenever I see you smile at me
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
Whenever I see your smiling face my way
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today

Scorpion

Scorpios are the masters of their fate. They know only one way to live: on their own terms. They do not live life but attack it. When life hands them a loss, they do not waste time sulking, but rather continue on their path, sure they will eventually succeed. Scorpios are driven by their intense passions and desires. Often they are seen as imperious. Whether in business or play, Scorpios love to compete. Indeed to do well, they must have an opponent. Scorpios do not take slights well. If you cross them be assured they will retaliate with their full force. Scorpios never quit and never surrender. If anyone can get a difficult task done it is a Scorpio.

The Scorpio female is an independent soul. This is a woman who will risk all for love and not count the cost, but can become bitterly disappointed if her judgment is proved wrong. The contradiction of the Scorpio female character is rather puzzling to some people and endlessly fascinating to others. Outwardly, this always seems to be a relatively selfish woman who gives the appearance of self-centeredness in her concentration on personal affairs and the affairs of loved ones. Still, she can be capable of incredible self-sacrifice. In essence, no two acquaintances will ever view this female in the same manner for she will present a different facet of her personality to each one. As a sweetheart, the Scorpio female is exciting. As a life partner, she is appealing in her determination to be the best possible companion. As a mother, she will be both understanding and disciplinary.

The woman ruled by Scorpio is loyal and courageous. She enjoys responsibility and is very capable. She is a blunt and fearless character, doing everything passionately from the depths of her heart. Rarely shy by nature, the Scorpio woman has a very healthy appetite for the physical aspect of a romantic relationship.

Frida

Mexican painter Frida Kahlo

Frida was a woman, so intense, passionate and yet imperfect, she followed her heart, and suffered from what that brought to her. Her physical pain and emotional wound were expressed in her paintings, with such a strong visual effect. She was a woman so exceptional and so damaged. The movie explicits well, and the acting is phenomenonal.

That is what a good movie does to me: it makes me think, it haunts me, and it relates to myself.

Responding to a greeting from internet dating site

J, sorry that I did not even read your profile when i responded to you, i looked the pictures though.
I am paying my bills online- it is also the time I can sit by my personal computer in a day. I saw your email through, clicked it, it opened your profile directly.
This website is good, allows us to meet different people, but it also can be very distracting. We sometimes take it light. When we are busy, we forgot to write back; may be another profile is more interesting, let's forget the previous one... I do get a lot messages each day, i do that often.
I have been divorced for over a year, a similar length to yours.
I am learning, as time moves along.
It was very hard in the beginning, being through the emotional roller coaster; to overcome the fears; and to be on myself, everything.
We are afraid of being alone, especially when children are not around. Besides, we need confirmation as a man or woman, the best way is to date.
But, it is not all a joyful journey, we feel disappointed, embarrassed, hurt, and... the instability and uncertainty.
I am thinking now, we have to be comfortable for being alone, not rush into anything which by gut feeling is not right, and will know when the right person comes along.

Gloomy Sunday

Watching a movie over weekend, it is one of a kind, very touched. The center music piece is called "Gloomy Sunday", a Hungarian Suicide Song. The melody is beautiful, but does deliver a sense of crushing hopelessness and bitter despair.

Here is the lyrics

Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you

Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday

Sunday is gloomy
with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go

Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you
Asleep in the deep of
My heart
Dear

Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday

Trying to keep up in the downs

Into May, my worry for the house has caused several sleepless nights. Keep telling myself it is ok and it will fall through, but does not help at all. Calling home always brings my mood down. Mother is not doing well, getting weaker and weaker over time. I am frightened by thinking of how long she will be still there.

Feeling so out of control and so helpless, the only explanation making sense is being tested for endurance, and will be taken care in the end. I can only wish for a strong and resilient self, optimistic for unforeseen events. It can be really difficult to keep the spirit up, but just have to try harder. I tend to turn myself to work when I am depressed. It is something I can control, and in return, it brings peace and a sense of accomplishment to my life.


Yesterday was Mother’s day. Cynthia has become a huge comfort in my life, it makes Mother’s day so sweet. We had brunch at Café express, one of my favor restaurants. Sitting by the window and looking at people strolling in the early summer breeze, my heart was delighted. We had Danish blue cheese burger with fried sweet potato, chips with guacamole, really delicious. Later we went shopping, and each bought a dress for the summer. In the afternoon, after dropping her for the clarinet lesson, I ran. It was really humid, but I was so glad I did it.

A typical weekend slips away

Cynthia had the spring concert on Friday night, I went alone as usual. She was looking for me in the theater, brought me to sit with Bet, Sarah’s mother. Nice of her thinking of me, I had good time there.

Saturday Morning, leaving the car at firestone to change engine oil and for tire alignment, I got to sit in Starbucks. Love coffee shops and bookstores, sipping coffee, and having a book in hand, watching people in and out, sharing a smile with next tables, and relaxing in the bright sun. It is really one of the favorite things to do on a weekend in town.

Weather is gorgeous, and how can one not to feel guilty to stay inside! On both days, I ran. Memorial park is one; then is Rice campus. The trails are mostly shadowed by trees, and many people are there running. Running is boring, but gets easier if having companies. I guess that is why people drive distance to run in these places. To catch the slipping away weekend, in this evening, I grabbed a book, and read in the hot tube. It feels so right lying by the pool, and letting the mind and body unwind.

Life is so unpredictable

It was really shocking to hear Dai diagnosed with lymphoma and flew back to China for treatment. Had thought many times to invite him for dinner or some sort of the gathering, but postponed because “too busy” and “it will be time”. My invitation finally went out last week, however, no response back but the bad news came all the way from China.

Dai is two years younger than me, a young oncologist, strived all the way to the presence. Hard to imagine what is in his mind now. Life is so unpredictable, nothing will last forever, and health should never be taken for granted. Also realize how isolated we are here. Cameron’s office is next to my door, and I was completely oblivious of it.

It is not that simple

Leaving Jack, appeared to be easy in the beginning, but it starts to come back to haunt me. First time having a dream of him, woke up in the middle of the night, not knowing where I was. Activated my Match.com, thought it would help me to get over him, but only found out no interest in anyone out there.

Emptiness is a feeling hard to describe, it comes to haunt when things quite down at night. I told Lu that I feel so alone, it is alone, not lonely. My days are filled with activities, but I am alone deep down. It is a sense of floating, rootless, fear of being blown away in strong wind.

Dinner at Lemon-tree Restaurant

We, several colleagues, spent the Friday night at Lemon-tree, a Peruvian restaurant. The food was absolutely delicious. I made a very good choice by consulting Roberto, Ceviche de Pescado, marinated raw fish. We shared a pitcher of Peruvian Margarita, really good, not very strong, but very tasty. There was music and live singing, all in Spanish. We chatted, made fun with each other, and gossiped of others, really a fun night. Cynthia went to see a musical at school with friends, we both had really good time.

The Cotillion Party

Girls were in dresses and corsages, and boys were in tuxedos and boutonnieres, what a lovely scene with a stunning formality: meeting the parents, picturing, limo, and a formal dinner preceding the dance. It was a bit chaotic for us to get ready- the Shiseido lady forgot to show up for the make-up appointment; we rushed to get lavender eye shadow; and then i was the hairdresser, the make-up artitis and the chauffer. She was pleased in the end, and looked beautiful and gorgeous, but would be better with a professional hairdo though, my bad.

Before the party, I worried to show up as a single parent while others were all couples. Jeff, her date, is one of her best friends, a rich kid with a plain look. They did not really look like an item, I have to say. Leslie, Jeff’s mother was very thoughtful and considerate: she chose a sliver Tuxedo for Jeff to match Cynthia’s purple dress, and bought orchid boutonnieres and corsage to match the overall color; Jeff’s father was not there, and she spent most of the time with me in the crowds.

It is a complicated when dealing with Cynthia. Often feeling guilty for not being able to provide a normal family life for her; but the same time, felt not being appreciated for what I have done for her. Irritated sometimes, but regret afterwards. I wish I could be a better mom to her.

Christmas in NYC

The holidays are finally over, and life is back to its old track but busier. Working on a review article recruited by Rob, can not say not. Career is taking on its wings, to a place I never thought it would be.

Cynthia and I spent the Christmas in NYC and New Jersey with a group of friends. We strolled in Manhattan the day before Christmas Eve and saw Mama Mia live on Broadway. Two years living in Manhattan, did not really enjoy it at all, but start to appreciate it on this return. It has been 10 years!

Thank Rachel and Kirk, for hosting a party to take us all together. Gloria looks fantastic at her age (68, 69?). She is a woman distinct from others, not science per se, but more of an interesting and talented woman. She was divorced at my age, raised a son to her expectation and has lived a life to its fullest. Eating, drinking, shopping, traveling, she enjoys them all. She met Dr. Lin, a man who adores her and complements her existence. She is a role model for me in some ways, but not all. I am striving for a more spiritual life, besides enjoying it.

Honghai and Limin are like family, so many memories in their ranch house sitting in the Princeton town, especially around this time of the year. Cynthia was 4 when they bought this house, and we spent the first Christmas together. Over the years, we visited sporadically, each time with Cynthia growing bigger, and always with a feeling of welcoming and warmth. We watched a videotape taken by Chen, Xinqian, a camping trip we went together when Cynthia was 5 year old-time flies and people change. In an old Chinese poem: forever can we live, to share the everlasting moon?

June, if one day you are reading this blog, you will know how happy I feel for you. I have never seen June in such good state and spirit. It once again convinces me that 40s are really the best years for women. We are no longer simply pursuing a concept of happiness, but the true meaning of it. Not to focus on what we do not have, but enjoy what we are given and left. No longer bothered by how we are perceived, but feel free for being ourselves.