An amazing night, I met Joel Osteen!

1-31-09

I was determined to make to the Lakewood church today, and I did it! Arrived 1 hour early, I was the first one seated in the “first time visitor seats”-the middle of the second row! Everything is beyond my imagination-the stadium, the music, the people, and the emotions. I am a non-believer, but melt in the air. Joel told several real live stories, proving God outreach power. Tear welled up my eyes. Two interesting people were sitting besides me- one guy from Puerto Rico, was just done with CSA, who might think that meeting me-a successful veteran being through the same ordeal, was by God's means; another was a construction guy, who was really amazed by my presence as a non-believer.

The Lakewood church, I might pay another visit.

A sleepless night with many flying thoughts

1-29-09

The first couple of days in the new year are pounded with cases. Yesterday cooled down a little, and let me to get some other things done.

I am glad that the book chapter is finally wrapped up, and Dan is pleased (he is not so easy to please) with the writing. A few polishing needs to be done though, but it will not take a lot out of me.

I am lost in a status of hopeless again. Screwed up, did I?

I could not sleep yesterday night, thinking about the house, the storage and tax return, I felt so stressed and helpless. It is frightening by thinking of no one whom I can really count on. Yesterday night, I was in a confusing state, half sleep and half awake. Grabbing a book from the night stand-I was too tired to read; turning off the light-lying there with many thoughts flying through. The melatonin does not work for me any more. Finally, I woke up completely in the middle of the night and attempted to read Joel Osteen’s “your best life now”. Starting with “finding strength through adversity”, followed by “let go of the past”, it calmed me down. I am not a Christian, may never will be one, but his words get into my heart. I have to be strong, optimistic, and forgiving, otherwise, it hurts myself, my daughter and my life ahead. I also read the current issue Newsweek “how to survive in disaster and unfortunate events”, it is quite intriguing. It talks about that 90% events can be controlled by oneself-a totally different view about life from Christians, but the fundamental theories are so similar. You want to be a “lucky person” in your life? You got to have a positive attitude, awareness, not so uptight, trust your gut instinct. A night went by with a lot thoughts, before dawn, I dozed off.

I was up at 7:00am, so tired, but I had to drive Cynthia to school. She is now on the way to San Antonia for all private school concert. I will not go this Saturday, simply because I do not trust myself in driving 3 hours.

It is the time to let go

1/23/09
There is going to have a big party at the medical center here on Sunday, the scholars, students, and people from China Consulate all will be here. I am excited, and looking forward to the New Year.

Being through different phases- sadness, furious, felt unjustified, then self-isolated, holding my head up, but was so fragile and vulnerable inside, I am now to the phase for forgiveness-to forgive him and ask for his. It is time to let go of my anger and bitterness. The years drifted us apart, but we did not learn to adjust. Loss of trust, and piling up resentment, the love was long gone. There was a lot fights and humiliation in the end, all of us suffered, including our daughter. His last conduct was the consequence not the cause of this failed marriage.

Lu, my dear friend, told me last year that my heart would bloom again in the spring-I did not believe it. Time really can heal!!! It is not spring yet, but Houston does not have winter really. It is the New Year, the new era, and the possibilities. My heart is filled with hope and joy.

Wish the New Year (the year of ox) bring propriety and happiness to all of us.

Some photos to share with family and friends

Into 2009, still tears, but looking forward

1-17-09

It is a typical Saturday: I woke up half past 7, did a bit with my book chapter, then woke Cynthia up at 9:30am. These days, it is getting so difficult to rush her out of the door, showering, putting make-up, picking right cloth, ear rings and et al. In the end, I was really out of patience. We spent several hours in my office-she loves our cafeteria food as always, nice. She is learning about bacteria in her biology class, and was very happy to get help for her project. I have been trying to talk her into medicine, it starts to take effect-she is not totally against it now.

We went to Chinatown her favorite restaurant, ordered her favorite food afterwards. After grocery shopping, we shopped at DSW. Since she has to wear uniforms in this school, shopping for shoes becomes her passion. I have been trying to do my best to provide her what she needs, if it brings comfort. I am really proud of her-in this family chaos, she holds up well, and is placed on the highest honor roll after midterm.

1-13-09 The past two days had been incredibly busy. Monday morning, one of my long lost friends called in, inquiring about my story. The conversation upset me, and I stopped the phone call and dried my tear 5 minutes before the applicant came in. Worried about me, he called back in the later afternoon. In recent 6 months, I have been deliberately not to contact old friends, nor make new friends in the Chinese circle. Every time after talking, I am so drained, as if recovering from a dreadful illness. He criticized me being too strong, and it intimidates men around me. He is probably right, but that only applies to work though. In life, naïve and inexperienced, I am struggling in surviving.