Last evening had a quick glance on Larry King interviewing Patrick Swayze's wife Lisa Niemi. He asked if Patrick was a believer, knowing where he would be going after death. Patrick wanted to believe in God and Heaven but also had doubts in his life, “no, he did not, but he knows now”, Niemi answered.
I wish I could overcome my “doubts” and be intellectually deceptive to follow one religion.
But, am I really bothered by not knowing where to go in afterlife?
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Mother
Mother is in such a manic state. She shops everyday, buying everything she can find; accuses my father of infidelity, and solicits her traditional Chinese medicine doctor to everyone she knows. Belligerent, she was filing complaints against a bus driver who asked her not to move around on the bus. Confused and disoriented, she lost herself twice on the streets in recent weeks. My sister and I have been talking to get her to hospital and force for treatment. Father rejected our idea though, rather suffering himself than seeing my mother being institutionalized (in his words). He is such a wonderful man to my mother, but never being appreciated. It takes more than morality to endure, must be love, or something I can not comprehend.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
End of the Affair
Last night watched a movie on Netflix, called "end of the affair", it is not an "affair", it is real passion and love, between a man and a woman. It worth all the risks, either die in real, or suffocate in living.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
the Birthday is here
Turning 43 in 2 days, should I feel sad? Not really.
The worst was turning 40. I was panic and upset a couple of months prior to the big number. Something good came out of it though- exercise has since become my routine. Never thought I could do it.
The worst was turning 40. I was panic and upset a couple of months prior to the big number. Something good came out of it though- exercise has since become my routine. Never thought I could do it.
A weekend back to its normalcy
Finally caught up with my work! First weekend after back from China with no immediate urgency, and one hour extra from daylight saving, quick relaxed.
The Friday night was a night of ideal, it felt so right!
Saturday started with a morning run, followed by some chores, a nice brunch at Chinese restaurant with Cynthia. Xiaoyu gave her a hair cut. We had tapioca strawberry at the ice house with Shiqun. A little work with Ying, no-brainer, chatting while doing all the counting.
We were back to the Lakewood. Joel’s preach consoled me as always, and the energy there was enormous. Although not a Christian, I love the feeling for being there.
The Friday night was a night of ideal, it felt so right!
Saturday started with a morning run, followed by some chores, a nice brunch at Chinese restaurant with Cynthia. Xiaoyu gave her a hair cut. We had tapioca strawberry at the ice house with Shiqun. A little work with Ying, no-brainer, chatting while doing all the counting.
We were back to the Lakewood. Joel’s preach consoled me as always, and the energy there was enormous. Although not a Christian, I love the feeling for being there.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Reunion and other thoughts
It is so hectic since back. Every day is piled up with cases, projects and manuscripts, including weekends. It is a little too much to deal with, even for a tough person like me. Two manuscripts with Bo are accepted in the past week, adding fuel to my exhausted engine.
I have not had chance to write about the reunion-the real fun part of the trip, yet.
I was called by Wu, Zhongshi two days prior to the reunion and asked to speak in representing the female alumni in US. I was all excited, scrambled for something to impress my folks. I had hard time to write in Chinese while in US, but the words just came to me after being back for a little more than a week. On the train to Changsha, I composed a Chinese version of the English assay I wrote early. It expressed my feeling quite well, and made myself proud.
Nice to see all those old faces, could not match the names, a little embarrassed to ask at the beginning, but went easy later on. Very impressed by a guy who could still remember how I looked in the beginning of the college-shy with red cheeks, blushed when talking to guys. What a vivid picture of me in my 18! Most of the guys and gals were more or less the same in that age. Now in our 40’s, we are out of our shells, no longer timid, or uptight, but free and capable to enjoy ourselves. Joking, teasing, and laughing, we took things light and joyful. Drinking, singing and dancing-I later showed the photos to Cynthia, she commented “bunches of 40’s years old are having teenager parties” it says all.
Meeting Qingeng at the reunion did not bring me any special feeling. Oddly enough, we were like two people who got stuck at one place but could not find interesting topic to chat. Time has erased all the feeling and memories, and changed us so much. He became someone so uptight and, well, boring; yet I am more free-spirited. When I chatted with Guiying about how much he has changed; Guiying teased me that he must be surprised to see how a “good girl” turned wild. Well, what can I say? It was flattering to hear from several guys that they had crush on me in college. Why
I did not pick a right one from them?! It is very hard for me to like guys as an opposite sex, even in these days. Besides, they were so boyish in those years.
I had a chat with a wise man in his 50’s, and was told that 40’s is the best phase in a woman’s life. He is absolutely right! In my teens, I basically disliked everything about myself-ugly; my hands and feet were too giant; my butt was too big; I was awkward, and my parents were embarrassing… In my 20’s, though acquired more confidence in myself, I had not learned to be true to myself, but been trying to do the “right” things. Got married, then pregnant, and came to US, everything following the “right” path. In my 30’s, I was pursuing my training and career, while raising Cynthia, joggling through a stressful life full of responsibilities. I was challenged, and gone beyond my dreams, but missed so much in life. My marriage died in those years, at least in part due to my negligence. Now in my 40’s, I feel better than ever- my girl is growing up, more of a friend than a child to me; career is going well; in shape, still decent looking but charmed with sexuality and maturity. Best of all, i am not trying to pretend someone I am not, can be true to myself. In Chinese saying "To establish in 30's; no confusion in 40's, and knowing God' meaning in 50's", great wisdom!
http://picasaweb.google.com/sawang2007/20thReunion#
I have not had chance to write about the reunion-the real fun part of the trip, yet.
I was called by Wu, Zhongshi two days prior to the reunion and asked to speak in representing the female alumni in US. I was all excited, scrambled for something to impress my folks. I had hard time to write in Chinese while in US, but the words just came to me after being back for a little more than a week. On the train to Changsha, I composed a Chinese version of the English assay I wrote early. It expressed my feeling quite well, and made myself proud.
Nice to see all those old faces, could not match the names, a little embarrassed to ask at the beginning, but went easy later on. Very impressed by a guy who could still remember how I looked in the beginning of the college-shy with red cheeks, blushed when talking to guys. What a vivid picture of me in my 18! Most of the guys and gals were more or less the same in that age. Now in our 40’s, we are out of our shells, no longer timid, or uptight, but free and capable to enjoy ourselves. Joking, teasing, and laughing, we took things light and joyful. Drinking, singing and dancing-I later showed the photos to Cynthia, she commented “bunches of 40’s years old are having teenager parties” it says all.
Meeting Qingeng at the reunion did not bring me any special feeling. Oddly enough, we were like two people who got stuck at one place but could not find interesting topic to chat. Time has erased all the feeling and memories, and changed us so much. He became someone so uptight and, well, boring; yet I am more free-spirited. When I chatted with Guiying about how much he has changed; Guiying teased me that he must be surprised to see how a “good girl” turned wild. Well, what can I say? It was flattering to hear from several guys that they had crush on me in college. Why
I did not pick a right one from them?! It is very hard for me to like guys as an opposite sex, even in these days. Besides, they were so boyish in those years.I had a chat with a wise man in his 50’s, and was told that 40’s is the best phase in a woman’s life. He is absolutely right! In my teens, I basically disliked everything about myself-ugly; my hands and feet were too giant; my butt was too big; I was awkward, and my parents were embarrassing… In my 20’s, though acquired more confidence in myself, I had not learned to be true to myself, but been trying to do the “right” things. Got married, then pregnant, and came to US, everything following the “right” path. In my 30’s, I was pursuing my training and career, while raising Cynthia, joggling through a stressful life full of responsibilities. I was challenged, and gone beyond my dreams, but missed so much in life. My marriage died in those years, at least in part due to my negligence. Now in my 40’s, I feel better than ever- my girl is growing up, more of a friend than a child to me; career is going well; in shape, still decent looking but charmed with sexuality and maturity. Best of all, i am not trying to pretend someone I am not, can be true to myself. In Chinese saying "To establish in 30's; no confusion in 40's, and knowing God' meaning in 50's", great wisdom!
http://picasaweb.google.com/sawang2007/20thReunion#
Saturday, August 22, 2009
A Whole New World (Aladdin and Jasmine)
I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?
I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride
A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming
A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you
Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky
A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be
A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you
A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?
I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride
A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming
A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you
Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky
A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be
A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you
A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me
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