Gloomy Sunday

Watching a movie over weekend, it is one of a kind, very touched. The center music piece is called "Gloomy Sunday", a Hungarian Suicide Song. The melody is beautiful, but does deliver a sense of crushing hopelessness and bitter despair.

Here is the lyrics

Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you

Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday

Sunday is gloomy
with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go

Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you
Asleep in the deep of
My heart
Dear

Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday

Trying to keep up in the downs

Into May, my worry for the house has caused several sleepless nights. Keep telling myself it is ok and it will fall through, but does not help at all. Calling home always brings my mood down. Mother is not doing well, getting weaker and weaker over time. I am frightened by thinking of how long she will be still there.

Feeling so out of control and so helpless, the only explanation making sense is being tested for endurance, and will be taken care in the end. I can only wish for a strong and resilient self, optimistic for unforeseen events. It can be really difficult to keep the spirit up, but just have to try harder. I tend to turn myself to work when I am depressed. It is something I can control, and in return, it brings peace and a sense of accomplishment to my life.


Yesterday was Mother’s day. Cynthia has become a huge comfort in my life, it makes Mother’s day so sweet. We had brunch at Café express, one of my favor restaurants. Sitting by the window and looking at people strolling in the early summer breeze, my heart was delighted. We had Danish blue cheese burger with fried sweet potato, chips with guacamole, really delicious. Later we went shopping, and each bought a dress for the summer. In the afternoon, after dropping her for the clarinet lesson, I ran. It was really humid, but I was so glad I did it.

A typical weekend slips away

Cynthia had the spring concert on Friday night, I went alone as usual. She was looking for me in the theater, brought me to sit with Bet, Sarah’s mother. Nice of her thinking of me, I had good time there.

Saturday Morning, leaving the car at firestone to change engine oil and for tire alignment, I got to sit in Starbucks. Love coffee shops and bookstores, sipping coffee, and having a book in hand, watching people in and out, sharing a smile with next tables, and relaxing in the bright sun. It is really one of the favorite things to do on a weekend in town.

Weather is gorgeous, and how can one not to feel guilty to stay inside! On both days, I ran. Memorial park is one; then is Rice campus. The trails are mostly shadowed by trees, and many people are there running. Running is boring, but gets easier if having companies. I guess that is why people drive distance to run in these places. To catch the slipping away weekend, in this evening, I grabbed a book, and read in the hot tube. It feels so right lying by the pool, and letting the mind and body unwind.

Life is so unpredictable

It was really shocking to hear Dai diagnosed with lymphoma and flew back to China for treatment. Had thought many times to invite him for dinner or some sort of the gathering, but postponed because “too busy” and “it will be time”. My invitation finally went out last week, however, no response back but the bad news came all the way from China.

Dai is two years younger than me, a young oncologist, strived all the way to the presence. Hard to imagine what is in his mind now. Life is so unpredictable, nothing will last forever, and health should never be taken for granted. Also realize how isolated we are here. Cameron’s office is next to my door, and I was completely oblivious of it.

It is not that simple

Leaving Jack, appeared to be easy in the beginning, but it starts to come back to haunt me. First time having a dream of him, woke up in the middle of the night, not knowing where I was. Activated my Match.com, thought it would help me to get over him, but only found out no interest in anyone out there.

Emptiness is a feeling hard to describe, it comes to haunt when things quite down at night. I told Lu that I feel so alone, it is alone, not lonely. My days are filled with activities, but I am alone deep down. It is a sense of floating, rootless, fear of being blown away in strong wind.

Dinner at Lemon-tree Restaurant

We, several colleagues, spent the Friday night at Lemon-tree, a Peruvian restaurant. The food was absolutely delicious. I made a very good choice by consulting Roberto, Ceviche de Pescado, marinated raw fish. We shared a pitcher of Peruvian Margarita, really good, not very strong, but very tasty. There was music and live singing, all in Spanish. We chatted, made fun with each other, and gossiped of others, really a fun night. Cynthia went to see a musical at school with friends, we both had really good time.

The Cotillion Party

Girls were in dresses and corsages, and boys were in tuxedos and boutonnieres, what a lovely scene with a stunning formality: meeting the parents, picturing, limo, and a formal dinner preceding the dance. It was a bit chaotic for us to get ready- the Shiseido lady forgot to show up for the make-up appointment; we rushed to get lavender eye shadow; and then i was the hairdresser, the make-up artitis and the chauffer. She was pleased in the end, and looked beautiful and gorgeous, but would be better with a professional hairdo though, my bad.

Before the party, I worried to show up as a single parent while others were all couples. Jeff, her date, is one of her best friends, a rich kid with a plain look. They did not really look like an item, I have to say. Leslie, Jeff’s mother was very thoughtful and considerate: she chose a sliver Tuxedo for Jeff to match Cynthia’s purple dress, and bought orchid boutonnieres and corsage to match the overall color; Jeff’s father was not there, and she spent most of the time with me in the crowds.

It is a complicated when dealing with Cynthia. Often feeling guilty for not being able to provide a normal family life for her; but the same time, felt not being appreciated for what I have done for her. Irritated sometimes, but regret afterwards. I wish I could be a better mom to her.