Trying to keep up in the downs

Into May, my worry for the house has caused several sleepless nights. Keep telling myself it is ok and it will fall through, but does not help at all. Calling home always brings my mood down. Mother is not doing well, getting weaker and weaker over time. I am frightened by thinking of how long she will be still there.

Feeling so out of control and so helpless, the only explanation making sense is being tested for endurance, and will be taken care in the end. I can only wish for a strong and resilient self, optimistic for unforeseen events. It can be really difficult to keep the spirit up, but just have to try harder. I tend to turn myself to work when I am depressed. It is something I can control, and in return, it brings peace and a sense of accomplishment to my life.


Yesterday was Mother’s day. Cynthia has become a huge comfort in my life, it makes Mother’s day so sweet. We had brunch at Café express, one of my favor restaurants. Sitting by the window and looking at people strolling in the early summer breeze, my heart was delighted. We had Danish blue cheese burger with fried sweet potato, chips with guacamole, really delicious. Later we went shopping, and each bought a dress for the summer. In the afternoon, after dropping her for the clarinet lesson, I ran. It was really humid, but I was so glad I did it.

A typical weekend slips away

Cynthia had the spring concert on Friday night, I went alone as usual. She was looking for me in the theater, brought me to sit with Bet, Sarah’s mother. Nice of her thinking of me, I had good time there.

Saturday Morning, leaving the car at firestone to change engine oil and for tire alignment, I got to sit in Starbucks. Love coffee shops and bookstores, sipping coffee, and having a book in hand, watching people in and out, sharing a smile with next tables, and relaxing in the bright sun. It is really one of the favorite things to do on a weekend in town.

Weather is gorgeous, and how can one not to feel guilty to stay inside! On both days, I ran. Memorial park is one; then is Rice campus. The trails are mostly shadowed by trees, and many people are there running. Running is boring, but gets easier if having companies. I guess that is why people drive distance to run in these places. To catch the slipping away weekend, in this evening, I grabbed a book, and read in the hot tube. It feels so right lying by the pool, and letting the mind and body unwind.

Life is so unpredictable

It was really shocking to hear Dai diagnosed with lymphoma and flew back to China for treatment. Had thought many times to invite him for dinner or some sort of the gathering, but postponed because “too busy” and “it will be time”. My invitation finally went out last week, however, no response back but the bad news came all the way from China.

Dai is two years younger than me, a young oncologist, strived all the way to the presence. Hard to imagine what is in his mind now. Life is so unpredictable, nothing will last forever, and health should never be taken for granted. Also realize how isolated we are here. Cameron’s office is next to my door, and I was completely oblivious of it.

It is not that simple

Leaving Jack, appeared to be easy in the beginning, but it starts to come back to haunt me. First time having a dream of him, woke up in the middle of the night, not knowing where I was. Activated my Match.com, thought it would help me to get over him, but only found out no interest in anyone out there.

Emptiness is a feeling hard to describe, it comes to haunt when things quite down at night. I told Lu that I feel so alone, it is alone, not lonely. My days are filled with activities, but I am alone deep down. It is a sense of floating, rootless, fear of being blown away in strong wind.

Dinner at Lemon-tree Restaurant

We, several colleagues, spent the Friday night at Lemon-tree, a Peruvian restaurant. The food was absolutely delicious. I made a very good choice by consulting Roberto, Ceviche de Pescado, marinated raw fish. We shared a pitcher of Peruvian Margarita, really good, not very strong, but very tasty. There was music and live singing, all in Spanish. We chatted, made fun with each other, and gossiped of others, really a fun night. Cynthia went to see a musical at school with friends, we both had really good time.

The Cotillion Party

Girls were in dresses and corsages, and boys were in tuxedos and boutonnieres, what a lovely scene with a stunning formality: meeting the parents, picturing, limo, and a formal dinner preceding the dance. It was a bit chaotic for us to get ready- the Shiseido lady forgot to show up for the make-up appointment; we rushed to get lavender eye shadow; and then i was the hairdresser, the make-up artitis and the chauffer. She was pleased in the end, and looked beautiful and gorgeous, but would be better with a professional hairdo though, my bad.

Before the party, I worried to show up as a single parent while others were all couples. Jeff, her date, is one of her best friends, a rich kid with a plain look. They did not really look like an item, I have to say. Leslie, Jeff’s mother was very thoughtful and considerate: she chose a sliver Tuxedo for Jeff to match Cynthia’s purple dress, and bought orchid boutonnieres and corsage to match the overall color; Jeff’s father was not there, and she spent most of the time with me in the crowds.

It is a complicated when dealing with Cynthia. Often feeling guilty for not being able to provide a normal family life for her; but the same time, felt not being appreciated for what I have done for her. Irritated sometimes, but regret afterwards. I wish I could be a better mom to her.

Christmas in NYC

The holidays are finally over, and life is back to its old track but busier. Working on a review article recruited by Rob, can not say not. Career is taking on its wings, to a place I never thought it would be.

Cynthia and I spent the Christmas in NYC and New Jersey with a group of friends. We strolled in Manhattan the day before Christmas Eve and saw Mama Mia live on Broadway. Two years living in Manhattan, did not really enjoy it at all, but start to appreciate it on this return. It has been 10 years!

Thank Rachel and Kirk, for hosting a party to take us all together. Gloria looks fantastic at her age (68, 69?). She is a woman distinct from others, not science per se, but more of an interesting and talented woman. She was divorced at my age, raised a son to her expectation and has lived a life to its fullest. Eating, drinking, shopping, traveling, she enjoys them all. She met Dr. Lin, a man who adores her and complements her existence. She is a role model for me in some ways, but not all. I am striving for a more spiritual life, besides enjoying it.

Honghai and Limin are like family, so many memories in their ranch house sitting in the Princeton town, especially around this time of the year. Cynthia was 4 when they bought this house, and we spent the first Christmas together. Over the years, we visited sporadically, each time with Cynthia growing bigger, and always with a feeling of welcoming and warmth. We watched a videotape taken by Chen, Xinqian, a camping trip we went together when Cynthia was 5 year old-time flies and people change. In an old Chinese poem: forever can we live, to share the everlasting moon?

June, if one day you are reading this blog, you will know how happy I feel for you. I have never seen June in such good state and spirit. It once again convinces me that 40s are really the best years for women. We are no longer simply pursuing a concept of happiness, but the true meaning of it. Not to focus on what we do not have, but enjoy what we are given and left. No longer bothered by how we are perceived, but feel free for being ourselves.