Christmas in NYC

The holidays are finally over, and life is back to its old track but busier. Working on a review article recruited by Rob, can not say not. Career is taking on its wings, to a place I never thought it would be.

Cynthia and I spent the Christmas in NYC and New Jersey with a group of friends. We strolled in Manhattan the day before Christmas Eve and saw Mama Mia live on Broadway. Two years living in Manhattan, did not really enjoy it at all, but start to appreciate it on this return. It has been 10 years!

Thank Rachel and Kirk, for hosting a party to take us all together. Gloria looks fantastic at her age (68, 69?). She is a woman distinct from others, not science per se, but more of an interesting and talented woman. She was divorced at my age, raised a son to her expectation and has lived a life to its fullest. Eating, drinking, shopping, traveling, she enjoys them all. She met Dr. Lin, a man who adores her and complements her existence. She is a role model for me in some ways, but not all. I am striving for a more spiritual life, besides enjoying it.

Honghai and Limin are like family, so many memories in their ranch house sitting in the Princeton town, especially around this time of the year. Cynthia was 4 when they bought this house, and we spent the first Christmas together. Over the years, we visited sporadically, each time with Cynthia growing bigger, and always with a feeling of welcoming and warmth. We watched a videotape taken by Chen, Xinqian, a camping trip we went together when Cynthia was 5 year old-time flies and people change. In an old Chinese poem: forever can we live, to share the everlasting moon?

June, if one day you are reading this blog, you will know how happy I feel for you. I have never seen June in such good state and spirit. It once again convinces me that 40s are really the best years for women. We are no longer simply pursuing a concept of happiness, but the true meaning of it. Not to focus on what we do not have, but enjoy what we are given and left. No longer bothered by how we are perceived, but feel free for being ourselves.

Where to go after death

Last evening had a quick glance on Larry King interviewing Patrick Swayze's wife Lisa Niemi. He asked if Patrick was a believer, knowing where he would be going after death. Patrick wanted to believe in God and Heaven but also had doubts in his life, “no, he did not, but he knows now”, Niemi answered.

I wish I could overcome my “doubts” and be intellectually deceptive to follow one religion.
But, am I really bothered by not knowing where to go in afterlife?

Mother

Mother is in such a manic state. She shops everyday, buying everything she can find; accuses my father of infidelity, and solicits her traditional Chinese medicine doctor to everyone she knows. Belligerent, she was filing complaints against a bus driver who asked her not to move around on the bus. Confused and disoriented, she lost herself twice on the streets in recent weeks. My sister and I have been talking to get her to hospital and force for treatment. Father rejected our idea though, rather suffering himself than seeing my mother being institutionalized (in his words). He is such a wonderful man to my mother, but never being appreciated. It takes more than morality to endure, must be love, or something I can not comprehend.

End of the Affair

Last night watched a movie on Netflix, called "end of the affair", it is not an "affair", it is real passion and love, between a man and a woman. It worth all the risks, either die in real, or suffocate in living.

the Birthday is here

Turning 43 in 2 days, should I feel sad? Not really.
The worst was turning 40. I was panic and upset a couple of months prior to the big number. Something good came out of it though- exercise has since become my routine. Never thought I could do it.

A weekend back to its normalcy

Finally caught up with my work! First weekend after back from China with no immediate urgency, and one hour extra from daylight saving, quick relaxed.
The Friday night was a night of ideal, it felt so right!
Saturday started with a morning run, followed by some chores, a nice brunch at Chinese restaurant with Cynthia. Xiaoyu gave her a hair cut. We had tapioca strawberry at the ice house with Shiqun. A little work with Ying, no-brainer, chatting while doing all the counting.
We were back to the Lakewood. Joel’s preach consoled me as always, and the energy there was enormous. Although not a Christian, I love the feeling for being there.

Reunion and other thoughts

It is so hectic since back. Every day is piled up with cases, projects and manuscripts, including weekends. It is a little too much to deal with, even for a tough person like me. Two manuscripts with Bo are accepted in the past week, adding fuel to my exhausted engine.

I have not had chance to write about the reunion-the real fun part of the trip, yet.

I was called by Wu, Zhongshi two days prior to the reunion and asked to speak in representing the female alumni in US. I was all excited, scrambled for something to impress my folks. I had hard time to write in Chinese while in US, but the words just came to me after being back for a little more than a week. On the train to Changsha, I composed a Chinese version of the English assay I wrote early. It expressed my feeling quite well, and made myself proud.

Nice to see all those old faces, could not match the names, a little embarrassed to ask at the beginning, but went easy later on. Very impressed by a guy who could still remember how I looked in the beginning of the college-shy with red cheeks, blushed when talking to guys. What a vivid picture of me in my 18! Most of the guys and gals were more or less the same in that age. Now in our 40’s, we are out of our shells, no longer timid, or uptight, but free and capable to enjoy ourselves. Joking, teasing, and laughing, we took things light and joyful. Drinking, singing and dancing-I later showed the photos to Cynthia, she commented “bunches of 40’s years old are having teenager parties” it says all.

Meeting Qingeng at the reunion did not bring me any special feeling. Oddly enough, we were like two people who got stuck at one place but could not find interesting topic to chat. Time has erased all the feeling and memories, and changed us so much. He became someone so uptight and, well, boring; yet I am more free-spirited. When I chatted with Guiying about how much he has changed; Guiying teased me that he must be surprised to see how a “good girl” turned wild. Well, what can I say? It was flattering to hear from several guys that they had crush on me in college. Why I did not pick a right one from them?! It is very hard for me to like guys as an opposite sex, even in these days. Besides, they were so boyish in those years.

I had a chat with a wise man in his 50’s, and was told that 40’s is the best phase in a woman’s life. He is absolutely right! In my teens, I basically disliked everything about myself-ugly; my hands and feet were too giant; my butt was too big; I was awkward, and my parents were embarrassing… In my 20’s, though acquired more confidence in myself, I had not learned to be true to myself, but been trying to do the “right” things. Got married, then pregnant, and came to US, everything following the “right” path. In my 30’s, I was pursuing my training and career, while raising Cynthia, joggling through a stressful life full of responsibilities. I was challenged, and gone beyond my dreams, but missed so much in life. My marriage died in those years, at least in part due to my negligence. Now in my 40’s, I feel better than ever- my girl is growing up, more of a friend than a child to me; career is going well; in shape, still decent looking but charmed with sexuality and maturity. Best of all, i am not trying to pretend someone I am not, can be true to myself. In Chinese saying "To establish in 30's; no confusion in 40's, and knowing God' meaning in 50's", great wisdom!
http://picasaweb.google.com/sawang2007/20thReunion#