Mother

Mother is in such a manic state. She shops everyday, buying everything she can find; accuses my father of infidelity, and solicits her traditional Chinese medicine doctor to everyone she knows. Belligerent, she was filing complaints against a bus driver who asked her not to move around on the bus. Confused and disoriented, she lost herself twice on the streets in recent weeks. My sister and I have been talking to get her to hospital and force for treatment. Father rejected our idea though, rather suffering himself than seeing my mother being institutionalized (in his words). He is such a wonderful man to my mother, but never being appreciated. It takes more than morality to endure, must be love, or something I can not comprehend.

End of the Affair

Last night watched a movie on Netflix, called "end of the affair", it is not an "affair", it is real passion and love, between a man and a woman. It worth all the risks, either die in real, or suffocate in living.

the Birthday is here

Turning 43 in 2 days, should I feel sad? Not really.
The worst was turning 40. I was panic and upset a couple of months prior to the big number. Something good came out of it though- exercise has since become my routine. Never thought I could do it.

A weekend back to its normalcy

Finally caught up with my work! First weekend after back from China with no immediate urgency, and one hour extra from daylight saving, quick relaxed.
The Friday night was a night of ideal, it felt so right!
Saturday started with a morning run, followed by some chores, a nice brunch at Chinese restaurant with Cynthia. Xiaoyu gave her a hair cut. We had tapioca strawberry at the ice house with Shiqun. A little work with Ying, no-brainer, chatting while doing all the counting.
We were back to the Lakewood. Joel’s preach consoled me as always, and the energy there was enormous. Although not a Christian, I love the feeling for being there.

Reunion and other thoughts

It is so hectic since back. Every day is piled up with cases, projects and manuscripts, including weekends. It is a little too much to deal with, even for a tough person like me. Two manuscripts with Bo are accepted in the past week, adding fuel to my exhausted engine.

I have not had chance to write about the reunion-the real fun part of the trip, yet.

I was called by Wu, Zhongshi two days prior to the reunion and asked to speak in representing the female alumni in US. I was all excited, scrambled for something to impress my folks. I had hard time to write in Chinese while in US, but the words just came to me after being back for a little more than a week. On the train to Changsha, I composed a Chinese version of the English assay I wrote early. It expressed my feeling quite well, and made myself proud.

Nice to see all those old faces, could not match the names, a little embarrassed to ask at the beginning, but went easy later on. Very impressed by a guy who could still remember how I looked in the beginning of the college-shy with red cheeks, blushed when talking to guys. What a vivid picture of me in my 18! Most of the guys and gals were more or less the same in that age. Now in our 40’s, we are out of our shells, no longer timid, or uptight, but free and capable to enjoy ourselves. Joking, teasing, and laughing, we took things light and joyful. Drinking, singing and dancing-I later showed the photos to Cynthia, she commented “bunches of 40’s years old are having teenager parties” it says all.

Meeting Qingeng at the reunion did not bring me any special feeling. Oddly enough, we were like two people who got stuck at one place but could not find interesting topic to chat. Time has erased all the feeling and memories, and changed us so much. He became someone so uptight and, well, boring; yet I am more free-spirited. When I chatted with Guiying about how much he has changed; Guiying teased me that he must be surprised to see how a “good girl” turned wild. Well, what can I say? It was flattering to hear from several guys that they had crush on me in college. Why I did not pick a right one from them?! It is very hard for me to like guys as an opposite sex, even in these days. Besides, they were so boyish in those years.

I had a chat with a wise man in his 50’s, and was told that 40’s is the best phase in a woman’s life. He is absolutely right! In my teens, I basically disliked everything about myself-ugly; my hands and feet were too giant; my butt was too big; I was awkward, and my parents were embarrassing… In my 20’s, though acquired more confidence in myself, I had not learned to be true to myself, but been trying to do the “right” things. Got married, then pregnant, and came to US, everything following the “right” path. In my 30’s, I was pursuing my training and career, while raising Cynthia, joggling through a stressful life full of responsibilities. I was challenged, and gone beyond my dreams, but missed so much in life. My marriage died in those years, at least in part due to my negligence. Now in my 40’s, I feel better than ever- my girl is growing up, more of a friend than a child to me; career is going well; in shape, still decent looking but charmed with sexuality and maturity. Best of all, i am not trying to pretend someone I am not, can be true to myself. In Chinese saying "To establish in 30's; no confusion in 40's, and knowing God' meaning in 50's", great wisdom!
http://picasaweb.google.com/sawang2007/20thReunion#

A Whole New World (Aladdin and Jasmine)

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you

Now I'm in a whole new world with you
Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better

I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be
A whole new world

Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you
A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

Trip to China

After bragging to people that I do not usually have jet lag, I woke up 5:30am in this morning, had not been myself ‘till a 2 hour nap in the afternoon.

The trip to China was of a mixed experience.

Hong Kong

I was so eager to see Hong Kong, a place with many stories, either in a format of movies, news, or books, has attracted me in many years. The first day Cynthia and I set up to explore the city, going by subway, taxi, buses, tram, and walking. The city is full of people. Although the crowdedness comes no surprise to me, a person growing up in China, its magnitude was still amazing. The city runs quite dynamically, in an impressively efficient, well orchestrated way. Off modern buildings and boulevards are small streets where most of the working classes live. Those small stores, restaurants and small sale stands reminded me of Chinatowns in US. Hong Kong is a city very commercialized and westernized, and hard to see real people stories behind the prosperity. The second day was spent for shopping. Shopping is a major attraction for visitors for its abundance in goods with good prices because of no import tax. I was not so impressed, many of those are US brands, but of course with less variety and more costly. My sister and her husband were crazy though, shopped from morning to 9pm, spent a good fortune on watches, perfume, purses, camera, jewels…

I treated everyone at PizzaHut for lunch, a real restaurant with full service in Hong Kong (also in Shanghai), the Pizza came with very different flavors, but better. We were also surprised to see McDonald selling noodles there. Yiling, my sister’s 7 year old daughter is a natural born comedian (she must get that from my brother in law who has quite good sense of humors). Her funniness comes in an innocent and cute way, so spontaneous, and cracking me up constantly. Cynthia is so fond of her.


Shenzhen

We took the train on 7/29 morning, crossed the river and arrived in Shenzhen 30 minutes later. My college friend picked us up and drove us around the town. Instead of going to Macau with my sister’s family, I chose to show Cynthia Shenzhen, a city built from scratch 30 year ago as “the first experiment” in China economic reform. Shenzhen is more spacious and better architected than Hong Kong, modernized yet picturesque. Seeing Deng, Xiaoping's portrait on the street, I became quite emotional by thinking of the changes that have occurred in China in these 30 years. China could have become another North Korea without him, a person with great mind, vision and boldness. I told the story to Cynthia, but was not so sure how much she appreciated it. We also spent several hours touring “the window of the world”, a park with miniatures of all famous places around the world. It is built with delicacy and nicely landscaped, much better than it was in 1993 when I visited the first time. Cynthia recognized most of the places that she learned in her world history class.

The second day we shopped at a mall with small stores operated by individual owners. A shopping setting I am not sure there is an equivalent in US-with some similarity to flea market, but not quite. Cynthia bought some knockoff stuff, we tried to bargain, but inexperienced, we did not get good deals in the end, i think.

Home

We arrived home on 7/30, after 4 days on the road. Mother is so old and frail, and it hurts me by seeing her sitting there, with all white hair, frigid frame, thin but puffy face, and trembling hands. “Mama…” I hugged her, but shortly let go after finding her uneasiness. After talking to mother for half hour, her early dementia became apparent to me. It is likely a mixed result of medications and vascular dementia. Her controlling personality is still there though, less fierce, and mixed with bad memory. It is easier to handle, but sad to watch. Father had angioplasty last year, and it was a relief to see him still in good shape and spirit.

Home is almost the same as last year, still neat, but less lively. The fish tank is pretty, well decorated, but empty. The curtain color starts to fade, and flower pots, used to circle around the whole balcony, have only three left. A lady comes every other week for deep cleaning, but many of the routines become quite a task as aging deepens.

Mother was excited, yet agitated by having all of us in her place. She paced back forth, could not sit still. I agreed to take one precious day at a Spa club, where we spent 1 day and 1 night to relax, and also to leave her alone. I also finished editing Rob’s manuscript there, what a vacation treat!

In the mornings, Cynthia and I walked with father to a park nearby, it is a beautiful park with many retired people dancing, practicing Taiji, and fishing there. We ran on the pavement, and father walked, then we met 30 min later. It was the quality time with father, we chatted, not necessary anything important. Father is a saint to my eyes, he does not complain, truly cares about mother, understands her illness, and tolerates her difficult personality, in so many years.
(to be continued)