Days passed by

4/28/09

Despite a very busy schedule, I have determined not to over-stretched myself. No work after hours on week days. Weekends, may be half day. Jack encourages me to run 5K with him, I am preparing for it seriously, it takes me 31 min to run, I need to improve my speed, make sure not the last in the flock.


5/26/09

I had a wonderful Memorial long weekend. My friend Dandan got married. I took her for a foot massage, as a bachelorette treat before the wedding. The wedding was nice, small, but intimate. My friend Dandan is genuinely happy, she cried while walking down theaisle.

Jack and I went to a show, featuring of 60's musics, it was fantastic.We danced under the stars, "tonight our spirits will be climbing, to the sky lit up with diamonds..."

With Cynthia, my technician Ying, and another girl, we did shopping yesterday. We had food in the mall by the ice rink, then we askedfor a make over for Ying. She never puts make-up, a dramatic effect onher. She was elated.

5/31/09

Last night, we had the graduation party for fellows, a total of 37 fellows in pathology, what a number! The speeches were very short, left us tons of time to dance. The party was within MD Anderson, in a ballroom, and the dance floor was on top of the roof! Music playingin the breeze, we danced with fellows and faculties under the moon andstars, I can do the Western twist/sexy moves fairly well. we had a blast!

I took Cynthia, she is very reserved, like in my teenager days. I justwant her to see what is out there, try to take her to as manyoccasions as possible.

Yes, I am so grateful for the acceptance of women like me in our 40'sin this country. I don't feel old, but in another phase of life. Indeed, we are not old, neither physically nor psychologically.

6/17/09

I broke up with Jack.

I finally fed up by his messy schedule. He is a person who tries to make everyone happy, no lines, can not say "no", but can not keep up his words.

This short relationship brought me a lot happiness, a lot joy, butalso a lot frustration and hurting.

I am out, can not do it anylonger.

One can be hurt in a relationship, either by a jerk, a mean person; a person who is not into you; now, this super nice one lack of lines.

In the raining days

It was raining so hard in the past two days, and the dinner planned today with our fellows is canceled because of flooding. The idea of treating all the fellows at Peking Cuisine was initiated by a promise to Kausar for Chinese food, expanded to Bo, then Inga, in the end, to all. We may do it next weekend after the MDS symposium.

In the raining days, it would be so nice to watch a movie at home, be held with his warmth, and listen to the sound of the rain fall. I am surprised by myself, with such desire, like being on fire. The situation is frustrating, and makes me want to quit. Let’s the passion simmer, before it burns, may be wise.

Chinese Zodiac

"The Horse female is very much in love with the idea of being in love -in fact, you may be more in love with the idea of being in love than you are with the actual partner you may have chosen for this particular go-round. You are the sort who will fall in love at first sight, grow quickly bored with the arrangement, and spend an inordinately long time figuring a way out of your predicament."

Life is good

Have not written for long time
Life is taking on its pace.
The trip to Boston and New Haven was wonderful, it made me realize that I do have a full and privileged life. Friends, job, and accomplishment, God has favored me in many ways. This is the first trip I left Cynthia behind, and she was doing well, no incidence. Dandan sent Danni to stay with her at night, Cynthia ended up walking Danni to bus stop every morning. It was just so cute.

I have met Jack, a handsome man with a kind heart and an infectious laughter. I like him, and be liked more in return. It has been wonderful, but not so sure where it leads to. For me, I am afraid to fall in anything too serious, and make sure I can be out without being hurt. “One at a time”, let’s see.

In romance, it is hard to know how much really due to our falling for others, and how much we just love being in the character. Nevertheless, it is such a surprise to learn that my ability to love has not waned away over years.

A deep thinker, as Jack jokes often about me.

A girl night out

Cynthia is having a sleepover with her friend Megan, and going to see Jonas brothers' new movie. Both of them are big fans of the Jonas bothers, and she told me that was how she and Megan have become friends. Sharing common interests is one of the elements for friendship, but I never thought about being fans to some stars could create friendship. Well, it apparently does.

I decided to have some fun for myself, and accepted Kausar invitation for dinner. Kausar is one of our fellows who has an infectious laughter. She comes from a very rich family of Pakistan, went through divorce (how courageous for a Pakistan woman!), and came to US alone. Because of her personal and career experience, she has great insights to life, literature and art.

We had dinner at an India restaurant, the food is so delicious. I love Indian food in general, my favorite among any kind, but this one is the best I ever had. After the dinner, we hit the movie theater for “the reader”.

This is a movie explicating the complexity of human nature and an enmeshment not easily untangled. The love and passion of Michael to Hanna was soul-rattling, but complicated by Holocaust morality. He simply could not comprehend it. This short summer affair deeply affected his life thereafter. The heaviness of human heart and his struggling for a better understanding were explicated effortlessly in the movie.
Kate Winslet’s acting is so amazing.

It was a fun night.

Valentine’s day

Today is Valentine’s day, and amazingly, it does not really upset me to be alone. I took Cynthia to the Lakewood at night. On the way there, she was trying to recall what was like on the last Valentine’s, and the memory was so vague- seemed we went to Boston Chinatown, but nothing afterwards could come up.

After we got back, I called home. Mother is not doing well. The medication can not completely control her sleep, but really knocks her down. She used to be such a driven and energetic woman, now becomes so lousy, aloof and weak. Mother is a woman with a very complicated character, loving, but demanding and controlling, to the point of self-absorptive and abusive . In my younger days, I had mixed feeling to her- hated her in many ways but loved her so deeply and attached emotionally. She was diagnosed with depression in 2005, which answered many of my questions and confusion about her personality. She was treated with antidepressant for two years. When I started to cheer for her taking on a healthy life, she was attacked by a manic episode. Life has turned upside down for her, as well as for my father and people around her.

I am a great resemblance to my mother, but more rational and collected. Knowing that depression can hit me in the life chaos, I have tried my best keeping it up. Weakness and self-pity come to attack once a while, it takes great courage and bravery to face what lies ahead.

Another weekend passed by

2/8/09
A weekend passed by so fast, it is Sunday night already.

Saturday morning I dropped my car at Firestone, initially for engine oil change, but ended up changing all four tires. I was sitting at Border in Galleria for 5 hours, with a cup of coffee and a piece of banana cake, fixing Bo’s paper-it gave me such a bad headache. Although a total wreckage by the time I was leaving, I stumbled to Macy’s for some beauty products before the final exit.

At the same night, we went to Kathy’s party-a full house with Kathy’s friends. It saddened me to see her finally packing up and leaving. Kathy is one of those friends who are so loyal and trustworthy. Hoping when the economy recovers, she will be back here again. The night was enlightened by meeting a Buddhism couple who explained to me how they view the world, people, life and death.
Here it is:
1. Life is suffering;
2. Suffering is due to attachment;
3. Attachment can be overcome;
4. There is a path for accomplishing this.

These are Buddha’s final words

• Impermanent are all created things;
• Strive on with awareness.

The conversation reminded me when I was a child, I had this strange thought about the world and people surrounded - their existence was because of my existence, and I was the one with THE MIND. The man (sorry that I did not get his name) told me that I had the heart and soul (Hui Geng) for Buddhism, but it was all gone now after learning to be a human. How interesting!

This afternoon, after dropping Cynthia with her clarinet teacher, I took a run in the campus of Rice University. Sunday afternoon at Rice has always been my best time in the week. Either strolling through the grass paths, sitting in the coffee house with a good book, or simply waiting in the music hall with the music floating in the air and the sun shinning out, it is so peaceful and beautiful. One time, Cynthia had a night lesson. The campus was magically changed by the lights. I was immersed in the night, stunned by the beauty, speechless. I told Kathy afterwards, she said to me "remember, you need someone to share, all these beauty and wonders".