I was involved in the care of an 18 yo girl, who had an aggressive form of lymphoma, recurred and developed fatal complication. She died on Sunday, a life gone so soon.
I visited her almost everyday during her 2-week hospitalization, I also took John and Cynthia there visit her. Her condition was temporally improved by high dose corticosteroid, and she was talking, eating and planning for future. Sweet and soft in nature, she rarely complained. Death never came cross her mind, she thought that she would be cured at this #1 cancer hospital in the world, and that she would go back to school in the fall. Saturday afternoon, I checked her labs, I knew she was close to her term. I talked to her mother, a tiny framed woman who speaks no English at all, that she had to be prepared for the worst. I went back to see the girl at 8pm after I got the Chinese bread one time she enjoyed so much, she had chills and not interested in the food at all. She tried to smile and said “good bye” to me by the time I left.
She died the next day around noon. It was heart-breaking to see her mom hugging and talking to her. Dad called from China and the phone was placed by her ear. It was hard to imagine what he said to her for farewell.
Mom told us later that the girl had a dream the night before death: she came to a beautiful garden, with evergreen grass. Two fairies handed apples to her, she woke up from sleep talking “don’t drop, don’t drop…”
Hope she is at a better place now, no suffering and no fear. Hope her mom find solace in the memory of her happy days and knowing that she is now being taken care by the upper beings.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Have I found it?
I was thinking last night after waking up in his arm, that i may have found the one.
I dreamed of having a man who truly understands me; however, in many years, i thought it was not possible.
He knows me so well: my frustration, sadness, joy, my mind and my heart...
I feel the click, at the deepest levels.
is this so called "soul mate"
I dreamed of having a man who truly understands me; however, in many years, i thought it was not possible.
He knows me so well: my frustration, sadness, joy, my mind and my heart...
I feel the click, at the deepest levels.
is this so called "soul mate"
Monday, February 13, 2012
Love Letter to My Daughter (for the senior retreat)
Feb 14th, 2012
Dear Cynthia,
There comes a point in my life when I realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will…
You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and the finest accomplishment in my life. You've brought love into my life, a love that will never fade.
I remember when you were a little baby, I spent hours just watching you sleep, reveling in the joy and wonder that you have brought into my life. I have enjoyed every phase of your growth ever since. “Winnie the Pooh”, “the sound of music” “Liz Maguire”… ballet, gymnastics, figure skating…day care, kindergarten, elementary school…high school… Time elapsed in a blink, and I have not wanted you to grow so fast!
In these years, we have together experienced ups and downs in life. In many ways, you are like my friend, and my good companion. What a gift life has granted me, and how much I am blessed for having you!
My girl, wow, you are 17 now. Do you know that you have surprised me in many ways? You are beautiful, have I already told you so? You are smart, and a high achiever, you have made me a really proud mom! Best of all, you have grown into a responsible and courageous young woman, with good judgment and character. My Baobai, as much as I want you to stay close by for college, you have my total trust in whatever and wherever you choose for your future.
Here is my favorite quote from “The Hours” that I would like to share with you:
“I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then”
Enjoy the youth, and the sense of possibility it brings to you, and fly with your dreams. Remember, my love will be always with you.
Love,
Mom
Dear Cynthia,
There comes a point in my life when I realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will…
You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and the finest accomplishment in my life. You've brought love into my life, a love that will never fade.
I remember when you were a little baby, I spent hours just watching you sleep, reveling in the joy and wonder that you have brought into my life. I have enjoyed every phase of your growth ever since. “Winnie the Pooh”, “the sound of music” “Liz Maguire”… ballet, gymnastics, figure skating…day care, kindergarten, elementary school…high school… Time elapsed in a blink, and I have not wanted you to grow so fast!
In these years, we have together experienced ups and downs in life. In many ways, you are like my friend, and my good companion. What a gift life has granted me, and how much I am blessed for having you!
My girl, wow, you are 17 now. Do you know that you have surprised me in many ways? You are beautiful, have I already told you so? You are smart, and a high achiever, you have made me a really proud mom! Best of all, you have grown into a responsible and courageous young woman, with good judgment and character. My Baobai, as much as I want you to stay close by for college, you have my total trust in whatever and wherever you choose for your future.
Here is my favorite quote from “The Hours” that I would like to share with you:
“I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then”
Enjoy the youth, and the sense of possibility it brings to you, and fly with your dreams. Remember, my love will be always with you.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
i went banana
I went crazy this morning after Cynthia blamed me misplaced her cream for her Canker ulcer.
She had trouble to find this cream so many times in the past,
it requires prescription;
I got one from China, almost late for my airplane
I brought back, and told her that it should always stay in the same medicine box,
She could not find last night, the first thing she asked me in the morning was "where did you put it!"
I went banana!
after catching my breathe, i went to the medicine box,
it was right there!
it was in Chinese, she might have trouble to identify it.
I showed her, guess what, she said "it was definitely not there, where did you find it exactly?"
I went double banana !
she took it in her hand, then went upstairs then downstairs packing.
After she got all done, guess what,
she asked me "where did you put the cream?"
I went triple banana!
I looked all over, could not find it!
She was late for school, and i decided not to drive her.
My blood pressure just dropped to normal after 3 hrs.
She had trouble to find this cream so many times in the past,
it requires prescription;
I got one from China, almost late for my airplane
I brought back, and told her that it should always stay in the same medicine box,
She could not find last night, the first thing she asked me in the morning was "where did you put it!"
I went banana!
after catching my breathe, i went to the medicine box,
it was right there!
it was in Chinese, she might have trouble to identify it.
I showed her, guess what, she said "it was definitely not there, where did you find it exactly?"
I went double banana !
she took it in her hand, then went upstairs then downstairs packing.
After she got all done, guess what,
she asked me "where did you put the cream?"
I went triple banana!
I looked all over, could not find it!
She was late for school, and i decided not to drive her.
My blood pressure just dropped to normal after 3 hrs.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Rabbit hole
John: Glad you enjoyed the movie. It seemed a bit depressing from what I saw of it - sort of a perfect example of the Buddhist notion of excessive attachment.
Me: I don't blame her for the "excessive" attachment. She tried, nothing worked: group therapy, God, friends, colleagues or families; even by erasing the markers of her son's existence. She eventually found solace in communicating with the teenage driver who killed her son. He described the parallel universe and "rabbit hole"-adventure in his comic book. it is a movie does not have much plot, but the quality of the story telling and acting make the pain of loss and struggle for out so tangible. we are human, we attach to things we love, and we struggle to get through darkness.
John: I don't blame her for her attachment either, it is certainly considered normal to have attachment like that in our society. But, it is this type of attachment that is the source of much of our unhappiness.
If we attach ourselves to our good looks, then we become lost when they fade. If we attach ourselves to the idea of being young, then we feel lost when we start to age. It is okay to love our friends and loved ones, but the notion of attachment is somewhat stronger than that. It suggests that we somehow define ourselves through that association and when we lose those loved ones, we have a hard time existing without them.
Personally, it would hurt really badly if I lost any of my kids and my grief might follow a similar path to what we saw in the movie. But, at least I would understand the nature of that grief.
Me: It is a way to teach yourself how to get out of unhappiness, i agree.
But, detachment can be a passive attitude. Most of the Buddhists choose to escape the conventional sense of life and into a world with no pain but also no joy
Me: I don't blame her for the "excessive" attachment. She tried, nothing worked: group therapy, God, friends, colleagues or families; even by erasing the markers of her son's existence. She eventually found solace in communicating with the teenage driver who killed her son. He described the parallel universe and "rabbit hole"-adventure in his comic book. it is a movie does not have much plot, but the quality of the story telling and acting make the pain of loss and struggle for out so tangible. we are human, we attach to things we love, and we struggle to get through darkness.
John: I don't blame her for her attachment either, it is certainly considered normal to have attachment like that in our society. But, it is this type of attachment that is the source of much of our unhappiness.
If we attach ourselves to our good looks, then we become lost when they fade. If we attach ourselves to the idea of being young, then we feel lost when we start to age. It is okay to love our friends and loved ones, but the notion of attachment is somewhat stronger than that. It suggests that we somehow define ourselves through that association and when we lose those loved ones, we have a hard time existing without them.
Personally, it would hurt really badly if I lost any of my kids and my grief might follow a similar path to what we saw in the movie. But, at least I would understand the nature of that grief.
Me: It is a way to teach yourself how to get out of unhappiness, i agree.
But, detachment can be a passive attitude. Most of the Buddhists choose to escape the conventional sense of life and into a world with no pain but also no joy
Monday, January 31, 2011
Another song of the day
Have I Told You Lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
For the morning sun in all it's glory,
Meets the day with hope and comfort too,
You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined,
And it's yours and it's mine,
Like the sun.
And at the end of the day,
We should give thanks and pray,
To The One, to The One.
Have I Told You Lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined,
And its yours and its mine,
Like the sun. And at the end of the day,
We should give thanks and pray,
To The One, to The One.
Have I Told You Lately That I Love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
For the morning sun in all it's glory,
Meets the day with hope and comfort too,
You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined,
And it's yours and it's mine,
Like the sun.
And at the end of the day,
We should give thanks and pray,
To The One, to The One.
Have I Told You Lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined,
And its yours and its mine,
Like the sun. And at the end of the day,
We should give thanks and pray,
To The One, to The One.
Have I Told You Lately That I Love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Too busy to write
Have not written anything to myself for a while. When life is so occupied, hardly having any room for free thoughts. Everyday seems chasing deadline, and dealing with immediate urgencies, and managing time for exercise and being with loved ones. Made an offer to a house, very excited for moving, and the decoration mood is back to me again.
A balanced life? Hard to keep. Am I over indulged myself in work and “fame”? or it is just the nature of my profession, and my role as a single mom? Hard to figure it out completely, but each of my day is so fulfilled, and appreciate more of stretching myself in bed in the end of the day and falling sleep soundly.
A balanced life? Hard to keep. Am I over indulged myself in work and “fame”? or it is just the nature of my profession, and my role as a single mom? Hard to figure it out completely, but each of my day is so fulfilled, and appreciate more of stretching myself in bed in the end of the day and falling sleep soundly.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Stay with me
Raindrops, Fall From, Everywhere
I Reach Out, For You, But Your Not There
So I Stood, Waiting, In The Dark
With Your Picture, In My Hands
Story Of a Broken Heart
Stay With Me
Don't Let Me Go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
I'm Trying And Hoping, For The Day
When my touch is enough
To Take The Pain Away
Cause I've Searched For So Long
The Answer Is Clear
We'll be OK if We Don't Let It Disappear
Stay With Me
Don't let Me go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's it Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
I've searched my heart over
So many many times
No you and I, is like no stars to light the sky at night
Our Picture Hangs Out Of Tune
Remind Me Of The Days
You Promised Me We'd Always
And Never Go Away
That's Why I Need You To Stay
Stay With Me
Don't let Me go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
I Reach Out, For You, But Your Not There
So I Stood, Waiting, In The Dark
With Your Picture, In My Hands
Story Of a Broken Heart
Stay With Me
Don't Let Me Go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
I'm Trying And Hoping, For The Day
When my touch is enough
To Take The Pain Away
Cause I've Searched For So Long
The Answer Is Clear
We'll be OK if We Don't Let It Disappear
Stay With Me
Don't let Me go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's it Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
I've searched my heart over
So many many times
No you and I, is like no stars to light the sky at night
Our Picture Hangs Out Of Tune
Remind Me Of The Days
You Promised Me We'd Always
And Never Go Away
That's Why I Need You To Stay
Stay With Me
Don't let Me go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Andrea Bocelli - Swear
Promise me,
that although much time may pass
you'll never forget the moment
when I first met you.
Look at me,
there's nothing more profound
nor bigger in this world
than the love I have to you.
Kiss me,
with a kiss so full of love
like no one has ever kissed me
since the day that I was born
Love me,
love me until you feel the madness
and understand the bitter pain
that I am suffering for loving you.
They all say it's a lie that I love you
'cause they've never seen me so in love
I swear to you that I don't know why
the look in your eyes has kept me captivated
When you are near me
and I am happy
I wish that you'd remember no one else
I am jealous even of my thoughts
that may remind you
of another person you once loved.
that although much time may pass
you'll never forget the moment
when I first met you.
Look at me,
there's nothing more profound
nor bigger in this world
than the love I have to you.
Kiss me,
with a kiss so full of love
like no one has ever kissed me
since the day that I was born
Love me,
love me until you feel the madness
and understand the bitter pain
that I am suffering for loving you.
They all say it's a lie that I love you
'cause they've never seen me so in love
I swear to you that I don't know why
the look in your eyes has kept me captivated
When you are near me
and I am happy
I wish that you'd remember no one else
I am jealous even of my thoughts
that may remind you
of another person you once loved.
Monday, December 13, 2010
when she loved me-toy story 2
another song from John
When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
And when she was sad,
I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy,
So was I
When she loved me
Through the summer and the fall
We had each other, that was all
Just she and I together,
Like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely,
I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me
So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say I will always love you
Lonely and forgotten,
I'd never thought she'd look my way
And she smiled at me and held me just like she used to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me
When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
When she loved me
When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
And when she was sad,
I was there to dry her tears
And when she was happy,
So was I
When she loved me
Through the summer and the fall
We had each other, that was all
Just she and I together,
Like it was meant to be
And when she was lonely,
I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me
So the years went by
I stayed the same
But she began to drift away
I was left alone
Still I waited for the day
When she'd say I will always love you
Lonely and forgotten,
I'd never thought she'd look my way
And she smiled at me and held me just like she used to do
Like she loved me
When she loved me
When somebody loved me
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart
When she loved me
today's song
John has been senting me one song a day
12/13/2010
James Taylor: Your Smiling Face Lyrics
Whenever I see your smiling face
I have to smile myself
Because I love you (Yes, I do)
And when you give me that pretty little pout
It turns me inside out
There's something about you, baby (I don't know)
(Chorus)
Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much longer
It will grow stronger every day
Oh, how much longer
I thought I was in love
A couple of times before
With the girl next door
But that was long before I met you
Now I'm sure that I won't forget you
And I thank my lucky stars
That you are who you are
And not just another lovely lady
Sent down to break my heart
Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much longer
It can grow stronger every day
How much longer
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
Whenever I see you smile at me
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
Whenever I see your smiling face my way
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
12/13/2010
James Taylor: Your Smiling Face Lyrics
Whenever I see your smiling face
I have to smile myself
Because I love you (Yes, I do)
And when you give me that pretty little pout
It turns me inside out
There's something about you, baby (I don't know)
(Chorus)
Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much longer
It will grow stronger every day
Oh, how much longer
I thought I was in love
A couple of times before
With the girl next door
But that was long before I met you
Now I'm sure that I won't forget you
And I thank my lucky stars
That you are who you are
And not just another lovely lady
Sent down to break my heart
Isn't it amazing a man like me
Can feel this way
Tell me how much longer
It can grow stronger every day
How much longer
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
Whenever I see you smile at me
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
Whenever I see your smiling face my way
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
No one can tell me that I'm doing wrong today
Monday, August 30, 2010
Scorpion
Scorpios are the masters of their fate. They know only one way to live: on their own terms. They do not live life but attack it. When life hands them a loss, they do not waste time sulking, but rather continue on their path, sure they will eventually succeed. Scorpios are driven by their intense passions and desires. Often they are seen as imperious. Whether in business or play, Scorpios love to compete. Indeed to do well, they must have an opponent. Scorpios do not take slights well. If you cross them be assured they will retaliate with their full force. Scorpios never quit and never surrender. If anyone can get a difficult task done it is a Scorpio.
The Scorpio female is an independent soul. This is a woman who will risk all for love and not count the cost, but can become bitterly disappointed if her judgment is proved wrong. The contradiction of the Scorpio female character is rather puzzling to some people and endlessly fascinating to others. Outwardly, this always seems to be a relatively selfish woman who gives the appearance of self-centeredness in her concentration on personal affairs and the affairs of loved ones. Still, she can be capable of incredible self-sacrifice. In essence, no two acquaintances will ever view this female in the same manner for she will present a different facet of her personality to each one. As a sweetheart, the Scorpio female is exciting. As a life partner, she is appealing in her determination to be the best possible companion. As a mother, she will be both understanding and disciplinary.
The woman ruled by Scorpio is loyal and courageous. She enjoys responsibility and is very capable. She is a blunt and fearless character, doing everything passionately from the depths of her heart. Rarely shy by nature, the Scorpio woman has a very healthy appetite for the physical aspect of a romantic relationship.
The Scorpio female is an independent soul. This is a woman who will risk all for love and not count the cost, but can become bitterly disappointed if her judgment is proved wrong. The contradiction of the Scorpio female character is rather puzzling to some people and endlessly fascinating to others. Outwardly, this always seems to be a relatively selfish woman who gives the appearance of self-centeredness in her concentration on personal affairs and the affairs of loved ones. Still, she can be capable of incredible self-sacrifice. In essence, no two acquaintances will ever view this female in the same manner for she will present a different facet of her personality to each one. As a sweetheart, the Scorpio female is exciting. As a life partner, she is appealing in her determination to be the best possible companion. As a mother, she will be both understanding and disciplinary.
The woman ruled by Scorpio is loyal and courageous. She enjoys responsibility and is very capable. She is a blunt and fearless character, doing everything passionately from the depths of her heart. Rarely shy by nature, the Scorpio woman has a very healthy appetite for the physical aspect of a romantic relationship.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Frida
Mexican painter Frida Kahlo
Frida was a woman, so intense, passionate and yet imperfect, she followed her heart, and suffered from what that brought to her. Her physical pain and emotional wound were expressed in her paintings, with such a strong visual effect. She was a woman so exceptional and so damaged. The movie explicits well, and the acting is phenomenonal.
That is what a good movie does to me: it makes me think, it haunts me, and it relates to myself.
Frida was a woman, so intense, passionate and yet imperfect, she followed her heart, and suffered from what that brought to her. Her physical pain and emotional wound were expressed in her paintings, with such a strong visual effect. She was a woman so exceptional and so damaged. The movie explicits well, and the acting is phenomenonal.
That is what a good movie does to me: it makes me think, it haunts me, and it relates to myself.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Responding to a greeting from internet dating site
J, sorry that I did not even read your profile when i responded to you, i looked the pictures though.
I am paying my bills online- it is also the time I can sit by my personal computer in a day. I saw your email through, clicked it, it opened your profile directly.
This website is good, allows us to meet different people, but it also can be very distracting. We sometimes take it light. When we are busy, we forgot to write back; may be another profile is more interesting, let's forget the previous one... I do get a lot messages each day, i do that often.
I have been divorced for over a year, a similar length to yours.
I am learning, as time moves along.
It was very hard in the beginning, being through the emotional roller coaster; to overcome the fears; and to be on myself, everything.
We are afraid of being alone, especially when children are not around. Besides, we need confirmation as a man or woman, the best way is to date.
But, it is not all a joyful journey, we feel disappointed, embarrassed, hurt, and... the instability and uncertainty.
I am thinking now, we have to be comfortable for being alone, not rush into anything which by gut feeling is not right, and will know when the right person comes along.
I am paying my bills online- it is also the time I can sit by my personal computer in a day. I saw your email through, clicked it, it opened your profile directly.
This website is good, allows us to meet different people, but it also can be very distracting. We sometimes take it light. When we are busy, we forgot to write back; may be another profile is more interesting, let's forget the previous one... I do get a lot messages each day, i do that often.
I have been divorced for over a year, a similar length to yours.
I am learning, as time moves along.
It was very hard in the beginning, being through the emotional roller coaster; to overcome the fears; and to be on myself, everything.
We are afraid of being alone, especially when children are not around. Besides, we need confirmation as a man or woman, the best way is to date.
But, it is not all a joyful journey, we feel disappointed, embarrassed, hurt, and... the instability and uncertainty.
I am thinking now, we have to be comfortable for being alone, not rush into anything which by gut feeling is not right, and will know when the right person comes along.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Gloomy Sunday
Watching a movie over weekend, it is one of a kind, very touched. The center music piece is called "Gloomy Sunday", a Hungarian Suicide Song. The melody is beautiful, but does deliver a sense of crushing hopelessness and bitter despair.
Here is the lyrics
Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday
Sunday is gloomy
with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday
Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you
Asleep in the deep of
My heart
Dear
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday
Here is the lyrics
Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday
Sunday is gloomy
with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday
Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you
Asleep in the deep of
My heart
Dear
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday
Trying to keep up in the downs
Into May, my worry for the house has caused several sleepless nights. Keep telling myself it is ok and it will fall through, but does not help at all. Calling home always brings my mood down. Mother is not doing well, getting weaker and weaker over time. I am frightened by thinking of how long she will be still there.
Feeling so out of control and so helpless, the only explanation making sense is being tested for endurance, and will be taken care in the end. I can only wish for a strong and resilient self, optimistic for unforeseen events. It can be really difficult to keep the spirit up, but just have to try harder. I tend to turn myself to work when I am depressed. It is something I can control, and in return, it brings peace and a sense of accomplishment to my life.
Yesterday was Mother’s day. Cynthia has become a huge comfort in my life, it makes Mother’s day so sweet. We had brunch at Café express, one of my favor restaurants. Sitting by the window and looking at people strolling in the early summer breeze, my heart was delighted. We had Danish blue cheese burger with fried sweet potato, chips with guacamole, really delicious. Later we went shopping, and each bought a dress for the summer. In the afternoon, after dropping her for the clarinet lesson, I ran. It was really humid, but I was so glad I did it.
Feeling so out of control and so helpless, the only explanation making sense is being tested for endurance, and will be taken care in the end. I can only wish for a strong and resilient self, optimistic for unforeseen events. It can be really difficult to keep the spirit up, but just have to try harder. I tend to turn myself to work when I am depressed. It is something I can control, and in return, it brings peace and a sense of accomplishment to my life.
Yesterday was Mother’s day. Cynthia has become a huge comfort in my life, it makes Mother’s day so sweet. We had brunch at Café express, one of my favor restaurants. Sitting by the window and looking at people strolling in the early summer breeze, my heart was delighted. We had Danish blue cheese burger with fried sweet potato, chips with guacamole, really delicious. Later we went shopping, and each bought a dress for the summer. In the afternoon, after dropping her for the clarinet lesson, I ran. It was really humid, but I was so glad I did it.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
A typical weekend slips away
Cynthia had the spring concert on Friday night, I went alone as usual. She was looking for me in the theater, brought me to sit with Bet, Sarah’s mother. Nice of her thinking of me, I had good time there.
Saturday Morning, leaving the car at firestone to change engine oil and for tire alignment, I got to sit in Starbucks. Love coffee shops and bookstores, sipping coffee, and having a book in hand, watching people in and out, sharing a smile with next tables, and relaxing in the bright sun. It is really one of the favorite things to do on a weekend in town.
Weather is gorgeous, and how can one not to feel guilty to stay inside! On both days, I ran. Memorial park is one; then is Rice campus. The trails are mostly shadowed by trees, and many people are there running. Running is boring, but gets easier if having companies. I guess that is why people drive distance to run in these places. To catch the slipping away weekend, in this evening, I grabbed a book, and read in the hot tube. It feels so right lying by the pool, and letting the mind and body unwind.
Saturday Morning, leaving the car at firestone to change engine oil and for tire alignment, I got to sit in Starbucks. Love coffee shops and bookstores, sipping coffee, and having a book in hand, watching people in and out, sharing a smile with next tables, and relaxing in the bright sun. It is really one of the favorite things to do on a weekend in town.
Weather is gorgeous, and how can one not to feel guilty to stay inside! On both days, I ran. Memorial park is one; then is Rice campus. The trails are mostly shadowed by trees, and many people are there running. Running is boring, but gets easier if having companies. I guess that is why people drive distance to run in these places. To catch the slipping away weekend, in this evening, I grabbed a book, and read in the hot tube. It feels so right lying by the pool, and letting the mind and body unwind.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Life is so unpredictable
It was really shocking to hear Dai diagnosed with lymphoma and flew back to China for treatment. Had thought many times to invite him for dinner or some sort of the gathering, but postponed because “too busy” and “it will be time”. My invitation finally went out last week, however, no response back but the bad news came all the way from China.
Dai is two years younger than me, a young oncologist, strived all the way to the presence. Hard to imagine what is in his mind now. Life is so unpredictable, nothing will last forever, and health should never be taken for granted. Also realize how isolated we are here. Cameron’s office is next to my door, and I was completely oblivious of it.
Dai is two years younger than me, a young oncologist, strived all the way to the presence. Hard to imagine what is in his mind now. Life is so unpredictable, nothing will last forever, and health should never be taken for granted. Also realize how isolated we are here. Cameron’s office is next to my door, and I was completely oblivious of it.
It is not that simple
Leaving Jack, appeared to be easy in the beginning, but it starts to come back to haunt me. First time having a dream of him, woke up in the middle of the night, not knowing where I was. Activated my Match.com, thought it would help me to get over him, but only found out no interest in anyone out there.
Emptiness is a feeling hard to describe, it comes to haunt when things quite down at night. I told Lu that I feel so alone, it is alone, not lonely. My days are filled with activities, but I am alone deep down. It is a sense of floating, rootless, fear of being blown away in strong wind.
Emptiness is a feeling hard to describe, it comes to haunt when things quite down at night. I told Lu that I feel so alone, it is alone, not lonely. My days are filled with activities, but I am alone deep down. It is a sense of floating, rootless, fear of being blown away in strong wind.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Dinner at Lemon-tree Restaurant
We, several colleagues, spent the Friday night at Lemon-tree, a Peruvian restaurant. The food was absolutely delicious. I made a very good choice by consulting Roberto, Ceviche de Pescado, marinated raw fish. We shared a pitcher of Peruvian Margarita, really good, not very strong, but very tasty. There was music and live singing, all in Spanish. We chatted, made fun with each other, and gossiped of others, really a fun night. Cynthia went to see a musical at school with friends, we both had really good time.
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