I was involved in the care of an 18 yo girl, who had an aggressive form of lymphoma, recurred and developed fatal complication. She died on Sunday, a life gone so soon.
I visited her almost everyday during her 2-week hospitalization, I also took John and Cynthia there visit her. Her condition was temporally improved by high dose corticosteroid, and she was talking, eating and planning for future. Sweet and soft in nature, she rarely complained. Death never came cross her mind, she thought that she would be cured at this #1 cancer hospital in the world, and that she would go back to school in the fall. Saturday afternoon, I checked her labs, I knew she was close to her term. I talked to her mother, a tiny framed woman who speaks no English at all, that she had to be prepared for the worst. I went back to see the girl at 8pm after I got the Chinese bread one time she enjoyed so much, she had chills and not interested in the food at all. She tried to smile and said “good bye” to me by the time I left.
She died the next day around noon. It was heart-breaking to see her mom hugging and talking to her. Dad called from China and the phone was placed by her ear. It was hard to imagine what he said to her for farewell.
Mom told us later that the girl had a dream the night before death: she came to a beautiful garden, with evergreen grass. Two fairies handed apples to her, she woke up from sleep talking “don’t drop, don’t drop…”
Hope she is at a better place now, no suffering and no fear. Hope her mom find solace in the memory of her happy days and knowing that she is now being taken care by the upper beings.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Have I found it?
I was thinking last night after waking up in his arm, that i may have found the one.
I dreamed of having a man who truly understands me; however, in many years, i thought it was not possible.
He knows me so well: my frustration, sadness, joy, my mind and my heart...
I feel the click, at the deepest levels.
is this so called "soul mate"
I dreamed of having a man who truly understands me; however, in many years, i thought it was not possible.
He knows me so well: my frustration, sadness, joy, my mind and my heart...
I feel the click, at the deepest levels.
is this so called "soul mate"
Monday, February 13, 2012
Love Letter to My Daughter (for the senior retreat)
Feb 14th, 2012
Dear Cynthia,
There comes a point in my life when I realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will…
You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and the finest accomplishment in my life. You've brought love into my life, a love that will never fade.
I remember when you were a little baby, I spent hours just watching you sleep, reveling in the joy and wonder that you have brought into my life. I have enjoyed every phase of your growth ever since. “Winnie the Pooh”, “the sound of music” “Liz Maguire”… ballet, gymnastics, figure skating…day care, kindergarten, elementary school…high school… Time elapsed in a blink, and I have not wanted you to grow so fast!
In these years, we have together experienced ups and downs in life. In many ways, you are like my friend, and my good companion. What a gift life has granted me, and how much I am blessed for having you!
My girl, wow, you are 17 now. Do you know that you have surprised me in many ways? You are beautiful, have I already told you so? You are smart, and a high achiever, you have made me a really proud mom! Best of all, you have grown into a responsible and courageous young woman, with good judgment and character. My Baobai, as much as I want you to stay close by for college, you have my total trust in whatever and wherever you choose for your future.
Here is my favorite quote from “The Hours” that I would like to share with you:
“I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then”
Enjoy the youth, and the sense of possibility it brings to you, and fly with your dreams. Remember, my love will be always with you.
Love,
Mom
Dear Cynthia,
There comes a point in my life when I realize:
Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will…
You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and the finest accomplishment in my life. You've brought love into my life, a love that will never fade.
I remember when you were a little baby, I spent hours just watching you sleep, reveling in the joy and wonder that you have brought into my life. I have enjoyed every phase of your growth ever since. “Winnie the Pooh”, “the sound of music” “Liz Maguire”… ballet, gymnastics, figure skating…day care, kindergarten, elementary school…high school… Time elapsed in a blink, and I have not wanted you to grow so fast!
In these years, we have together experienced ups and downs in life. In many ways, you are like my friend, and my good companion. What a gift life has granted me, and how much I am blessed for having you!
My girl, wow, you are 17 now. Do you know that you have surprised me in many ways? You are beautiful, have I already told you so? You are smart, and a high achiever, you have made me a really proud mom! Best of all, you have grown into a responsible and courageous young woman, with good judgment and character. My Baobai, as much as I want you to stay close by for college, you have my total trust in whatever and wherever you choose for your future.
Here is my favorite quote from “The Hours” that I would like to share with you:
“I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then”
Enjoy the youth, and the sense of possibility it brings to you, and fly with your dreams. Remember, my love will be always with you.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
i went banana
I went crazy this morning after Cynthia blamed me misplaced her cream for her Canker ulcer.
She had trouble to find this cream so many times in the past,
it requires prescription;
I got one from China, almost late for my airplane
I brought back, and told her that it should always stay in the same medicine box,
She could not find last night, the first thing she asked me in the morning was "where did you put it!"
I went banana!
after catching my breathe, i went to the medicine box,
it was right there!
it was in Chinese, she might have trouble to identify it.
I showed her, guess what, she said "it was definitely not there, where did you find it exactly?"
I went double banana !
she took it in her hand, then went upstairs then downstairs packing.
After she got all done, guess what,
she asked me "where did you put the cream?"
I went triple banana!
I looked all over, could not find it!
She was late for school, and i decided not to drive her.
My blood pressure just dropped to normal after 3 hrs.
She had trouble to find this cream so many times in the past,
it requires prescription;
I got one from China, almost late for my airplane
I brought back, and told her that it should always stay in the same medicine box,
She could not find last night, the first thing she asked me in the morning was "where did you put it!"
I went banana!
after catching my breathe, i went to the medicine box,
it was right there!
it was in Chinese, she might have trouble to identify it.
I showed her, guess what, she said "it was definitely not there, where did you find it exactly?"
I went double banana !
she took it in her hand, then went upstairs then downstairs packing.
After she got all done, guess what,
she asked me "where did you put the cream?"
I went triple banana!
I looked all over, could not find it!
She was late for school, and i decided not to drive her.
My blood pressure just dropped to normal after 3 hrs.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Rabbit hole
John: Glad you enjoyed the movie. It seemed a bit depressing from what I saw of it - sort of a perfect example of the Buddhist notion of excessive attachment.
Me: I don't blame her for the "excessive" attachment. She tried, nothing worked: group therapy, God, friends, colleagues or families; even by erasing the markers of her son's existence. She eventually found solace in communicating with the teenage driver who killed her son. He described the parallel universe and "rabbit hole"-adventure in his comic book. it is a movie does not have much plot, but the quality of the story telling and acting make the pain of loss and struggle for out so tangible. we are human, we attach to things we love, and we struggle to get through darkness.
John: I don't blame her for her attachment either, it is certainly considered normal to have attachment like that in our society. But, it is this type of attachment that is the source of much of our unhappiness.
If we attach ourselves to our good looks, then we become lost when they fade. If we attach ourselves to the idea of being young, then we feel lost when we start to age. It is okay to love our friends and loved ones, but the notion of attachment is somewhat stronger than that. It suggests that we somehow define ourselves through that association and when we lose those loved ones, we have a hard time existing without them.
Personally, it would hurt really badly if I lost any of my kids and my grief might follow a similar path to what we saw in the movie. But, at least I would understand the nature of that grief.
Me: It is a way to teach yourself how to get out of unhappiness, i agree.
But, detachment can be a passive attitude. Most of the Buddhists choose to escape the conventional sense of life and into a world with no pain but also no joy
Me: I don't blame her for the "excessive" attachment. She tried, nothing worked: group therapy, God, friends, colleagues or families; even by erasing the markers of her son's existence. She eventually found solace in communicating with the teenage driver who killed her son. He described the parallel universe and "rabbit hole"-adventure in his comic book. it is a movie does not have much plot, but the quality of the story telling and acting make the pain of loss and struggle for out so tangible. we are human, we attach to things we love, and we struggle to get through darkness.
John: I don't blame her for her attachment either, it is certainly considered normal to have attachment like that in our society. But, it is this type of attachment that is the source of much of our unhappiness.
If we attach ourselves to our good looks, then we become lost when they fade. If we attach ourselves to the idea of being young, then we feel lost when we start to age. It is okay to love our friends and loved ones, but the notion of attachment is somewhat stronger than that. It suggests that we somehow define ourselves through that association and when we lose those loved ones, we have a hard time existing without them.
Personally, it would hurt really badly if I lost any of my kids and my grief might follow a similar path to what we saw in the movie. But, at least I would understand the nature of that grief.
Me: It is a way to teach yourself how to get out of unhappiness, i agree.
But, detachment can be a passive attitude. Most of the Buddhists choose to escape the conventional sense of life and into a world with no pain but also no joy
Monday, January 31, 2011
Another song of the day
Have I Told You Lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
For the morning sun in all it's glory,
Meets the day with hope and comfort too,
You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined,
And it's yours and it's mine,
Like the sun.
And at the end of the day,
We should give thanks and pray,
To The One, to The One.
Have I Told You Lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined,
And its yours and its mine,
Like the sun. And at the end of the day,
We should give thanks and pray,
To The One, to The One.
Have I Told You Lately That I Love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
For the morning sun in all it's glory,
Meets the day with hope and comfort too,
You fill my life with laughter, somehow you make it better,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined,
And it's yours and it's mine,
Like the sun.
And at the end of the day,
We should give thanks and pray,
To The One, to The One.
Have I Told You Lately that I love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
There's a love less defined,
And its yours and its mine,
Like the sun. And at the end of the day,
We should give thanks and pray,
To The One, to The One.
Have I Told You Lately That I Love you?
Have I told you there's no one else above you?
Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Take away all my sadness, fill my life with gladness,
Ease my troubles, that's what you do.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Too busy to write
Have not written anything to myself for a while. When life is so occupied, hardly having any room for free thoughts. Everyday seems chasing deadline, and dealing with immediate urgencies, and managing time for exercise and being with loved ones. Made an offer to a house, very excited for moving, and the decoration mood is back to me again.
A balanced life? Hard to keep. Am I over indulged myself in work and “fame”? or it is just the nature of my profession, and my role as a single mom? Hard to figure it out completely, but each of my day is so fulfilled, and appreciate more of stretching myself in bed in the end of the day and falling sleep soundly.
A balanced life? Hard to keep. Am I over indulged myself in work and “fame”? or it is just the nature of my profession, and my role as a single mom? Hard to figure it out completely, but each of my day is so fulfilled, and appreciate more of stretching myself in bed in the end of the day and falling sleep soundly.
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